Rough times

Going thru a rough time, not sure what to do. I feel so alone for the most part, that kills me more inside. I really thought I was getting over T., but the more I hurt about other things, the more I want him to be here with me. He called last nite, I think we talked about an hour and a half. It was nice. Very nice. I just have so many questions to ask. (I've prolly asked him them before).... but... I want the answers. Him and I communicated differently, and I realize that, its just really hard for me to understand. Like for instance, at work, me and two others were talking about our (ex) bf's. They said..."oh yeah, I haven't seen him in three weeks, and he's telling me he needs more space." I turned around.. and was like.. "geez.. that sounds familiar-- my ex said that too." So where does that come from? and what is that about? I really want to understand.

I truely believe, though I am more needy than most (and expect too much), that I didn't do very much wrong in the relationship. I'm not the one that talked about marriage, he brought it up, then I got it in my head, and was like, "wow, I really would like to marry you." I just wanted to know, when he thought he'd want to get married. I never asked that question, so I never got an answer. The thing is, though I've been engaged twice (only officially once, the other one was a joke, of sorts), there weren't many men that I thought I could/would marry. I couldn't tolerate their differences, their lack of motivation. T. is different, if only he put some of the motivation and enthusiasm into his relationships that he does the rest of his life, he'd get married some day. But anyway, thats not my business now, as I'm not in his life that way. Although I hear him saying, "it is you business, you are my friend, and you care."

He said something about being cold last nite. I said " I'll come keep you warm", and he said " YOu can't do that anymore." He talked about how there was no way "we" could resist, that we'd end up having sex, and then I'd hate him, (which is partly right, because if it was just sex it would hurt me, and i'd be mad, though I wouldn't hate him, because, I would of wanted it to).I said, "well, I can behave myself" and he told me.. something to the effect of... Well you will have to do it for the both of us. I could behave myself, truely, because I know if we had sex, I'd feel this incredible pain, and emptyness, and it would hurt all over. Sex, to me is an emotional bond, (making love), shared between two people who love and are committed to one another. (yes, I've had sex without love, but that is a story for another day). Even though, he said that, and was like "It would be hard to be in a beautiful girls arms, and not be aroused", I still wouldn't mind being in his arms, and he in mine. I miss that the most. That and the calls at nite, soothing me to sleep.

I was really surprised he called, I emailed him and told him I was having a rough time, and something about.. "on my knees begging, please call" And he called at 3am when he got in. I don't mind the late calls, I enjoy them more than most things in my life, since I don't have a social life. I feel better today, though I still hurt so much. No thoughts on cutting today, I'm worried though. The only thing that stopped me yesterday was that I didn't have anything to cut with. (ie: new razor blades or utility knife blades) Yes, I'm very picky about everything, I know I'm a bit OCD.(obsessive-compulsive disorder)

Today is Friday, thank goodness. I have my exciting weekend of doing laundry...