Emotions...

I was feeling really emotionally.. and angry yesterday... over some things my ex wrote on his blog. (Yes... T)... cuz everyone knows I'm still in love with him. I know its best we aren't together, but I wonder why he stays in touch... and why this, and why that... and yesterday, I wondered if maybe if he did it because he thought it might prevent me from a suicide attempt. or if maybe he just felt sorry for me.... and then... he posts his blog..... Thing is though, I talked to Lisa, and got all my anger out before I started my day... and made it thru my stressful day.... only to come home and see an email from him.. and then my heart melted again...

"Let no one say that I don't “interact” with interesting women.

My “J”, lives in Reading PA, it's about a 2 hour drive from Baltimore. Not the nicest drive I've ever gone on, but enough to be relaxing and provide adequate think time in the car. It's suburbia, nestled in rural, surrounded by mountains, green trees, and the whole so sweet scent of poverty.

I met on her on Hotornot, which I recommend for anyone who, like I, clearly have the social skills of a slug swimming in rock salt. You know the type, those “cheery” people with enough skills to attract a crowd, while various levels of “eeeeeewwwwww” are being uttered, and of course, no one would even dare approach, they just watch, and wait for you to die until the next strange oddity comes along.

But I digress, this is about her, not me.

Although I will add that historically, I have an absolute hard-on for broken women. Suicidals, girls with mental health issues, sex abuse survivors, the only thing I don't do are druggies. Never was down with the self destruction thing, even if its a result of the aforementioned. Every woman I've ever dated (about 16 of them to date), has had one of the aforementioned. It's gotten to the point where if I got your phone number then you are probably fucked up. Probably, certifiably , fucked up.

The only exception may be “K” from NY, and even then I wonder sometimes.

“J”,my most recent ex, is fucked up. SEVERELY FUCKED UP.

She warned me for months beforehand, she told me, repeatedly, how she was. She told me about her history , her family, about her slut mother who slept with every man that walked, her various suicide attempts. I've seen scars she inflicted on herself, kissed them actually.

I remember the first time I was supposed to go to Reading to meet her, I had actually fallen into a slump that weekend. I wasn't feeling very well and I didn't have a lot of money, so I called and canceled. A couple of days later I received a phone call from her “ex” boyfriend, apparently she had tried to kill herself, again, apparently the day after I was supposed to see her.

Most people would see HUGE RED FLAGS at this point, but no no no, not yours truly. No, see this is the same idiot whose last fiance also tried to commit suicide, went to Shepard Pratt (major mental institution in Baltimore), and we had glorious sex while she was imprisoned there. Strictly for medicinal purposes to be sure.

After “J”'s flirt with death, I didn't run screaming, I didn't distance myself, and I didn't follow my friends advice. No, what did I do?, I phoned her in the looney ward, and I told her, that I loved her.

And meant every word of it.

And you know what else, I still love her. Not in some romantic sorta way (no her internet stalkings killed that one), but we started out as friends and I still really care. I still really worry about her. But I know there's something wrong when I am jerking off on the phone, talking her to orgasm in some vague hope that the resulting joyjuice lighting up her brain will keep her on the planet for another week or so.

On the brightside, she does have many good attributes. She is so her screen name, and would do anything for anyone. She's one step away from being a future Mensa member, and if the way she's raising her present kid is any indication, she would make a great mother, yes folks she has many good qualities.

...And those qualities outweigh any of her shortcomings.

Ok, so maybe I calmed down from earlier.... "


I cried, part of me understands more, but it still doesn't make it easier...
especially about the part ... that he does.. love me...romantically because of the internet stalking.... I did go a little overboard.. though I don't consider it stalking...

Its just.. I was dating him, talked to him since May.. and I was extremely upset because I didn't know anything about his life.... He wouldn't even tell me where he fucking lived... I thought for sure (this was my paranoia or something).. that he was fucking with my head, and just leading me on for sex, and I just thought he was lying to me about wanting to marry me... I thought he'd have his fun, then leave me just like every other man.

I realize, I do have faults, and some of the people in my life, I chased off, because I have my reasons. But many... so many.. I didn't do a damn thing wrong. I certainly didn't when my parents pretty much abandoned me. I had a guy email me about a month ago, a guy, that I only met on the internet, but we were making plans to get together. I told him about the HPV, because we had talked about sex, and I wanted him to know about it before we met, so he could choose what he wanted to do. Whether this was something he wanted to pursue... or not (this was way before my two suicide attempts... well. it was early 2003- when I started getting depressed, and sick with migraines) Well, I got up the courage to tell him, he asked a few questions, told me it was ok.. baby... etc.. etc.. then... he told me to call him later... I spoke to him a few times briefly after that, and didn't hear from him again. Until recently, he apoligized for fucking up so badly, and said.. that he was surprised that I even wanted to talk to him. I loved him, he was sweet and attentive, he had even mailed me pictures of him and his son, and they were both gorgeous. Pretty much all I told him, besides updating him on my fucked up life, is that shit happens man, we all make mistakes, and that I was just glad that everything in his life was going good. It wasn't a lie... but it was...

That what if syndrome (sp).... I do the same thing with T., mostly because I don't think he really gave us a chance. Thing is, I know in my heart I could never give him anything beneficial, so my reasons are all selfish. He makes me feel good, makes me want to be a better person, I feel so safe in his arms, I love the way he looks at me... and kisses me... and everything in my life everyday reminds me of him, and what I lost... and how I fucked up. He said it.. right there. in black in white.... I FUCKED UP.

But..I guess, its supposed to be this way.. I'm supposed to move on, Just I'm so scared that noone can accept me... I can't lie, and I wont hide the truth, besides at one point in a relationship, I'm going to have to explain the scars.... Noone understands... Noone.. I FUCKING DON'T even.. know why I'm this way.. I FUCKING certainly didn't ask to be. FUCK YOU GOD, if you really fucking exist, FUCK YOU, and the FUCK JESUS, FUCK EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE....

AND Have a good time doing it...

But.. everything happens for a reason.....