Death, Dying, and the Deeper Destruction

Pain fills me..
I don't know what will take it away. Death, maybe... only...
"GOD" supposedly knows that. Who is GOD? What does he want with us?
Does he enjoy seeing us suffer? Does he understand the irony he causes with
his existence? I have faith in what I know, in what I see, in myself...
not in something thats only cause hurt in the world.. something that really has no good.

I think about dying. The plans come to my head again. How long can I block them out, before they are bad, stronger than ever? What drugs can I take to numb the pain, a cigarette, a beer, so Ativan.. Prozac? Zoloft? Ultracet? Imitrex? How many can I get ahold of and save in the next few months. How many would it take to really kill me. Apparently 12 won't do it, so I need at least 3 months supply. I better get a gun too, just in case. That is where the Ativan comes in, my courage in a bottle.

It will only be a few months... and then this pain, this wretched thing people call life will be over for me. It brings relief, that I have a goal in mind. Sick I know, a goal to end it all.. but... at least I have direction.

I don't know why I write this. Maybe a call for help. Maybe I don't want to die. Maybe I really do. I just like to have my goals in writing, and though many will read this, it won't really effect anything in my life. Because I know, in my heart, even the people that give a shit, can't do anything.. because.. A. they don't know what to do. B. they are too busy with their lifes, and C. because they don't think I'm serious.

Well, the 3rd time is a charm they say....

May, August, and I figure by Feb...

So there comes an interesting pattern... May.. 20 (I think), 3 months later, August 20th, and... in seven days... is November 20- three months from my last suicide attempt. I wonder if that means something.