But..
Feeling emotional.. So here I am.
My emotional outlet, my release from the pain.
Talked to T. tonite.. just a day ago, I thought I never wanted to talk to him again. I was so mad, so angry, and I realized so much about myself in only a day.
Which got me to thinking.. then he posted, what he posted the other day and I thought more about the whole situation, and how much.. it would never work out.. and I couldn't deal with it even if it could. I know that makes no sense whatsoever.... but... thats my life.
I wonder.. if he expects that I'll change. I am changing, day by day.. hour by hour... week by week... I've changed alot just since I've met him...
Since I'm moving to my job's third shift.. 2:25pm-11:05pm, I'll be able to go to the dr and such in the daytime.. and I'll be able to start therapy. I'm nervous, but I know this is what I need. I feel better about things already, despite the fact that I'm a bit sick right now. I keep losing my voice, and have had swallen tonsils. (Will call Dr. Tommorrow...-- cuz my tailbone still hurts too)...
The thing.. I can't figure out, is.. why T. . says things to me .. like this.. when I said to him, "I don't know how to get over you." He says "then dont get over me,seems like a simple solution", I question him again on it.. later in the evening. and he says.. "you should at least keep me in mind until we can do the gf/bf thing correctly"
I don't get it.. I can't figure anything out about him. He loves me but not romantically, because of my supposed stalking, which when I questioned him on that... he said.. "ur the one who said that", which I mite, have.. and if I did, I don't remember, but I'm sure I said it jokingly.. but anyway...
I wonder if he's just leading me on. ( I guess that doesn't matter, because even if he wasn't.. then I'd still want him... but.. it would be easier to get over. if he just didn't like me anymore). I wonder if he knows he has issues too, and that until he figures out his life.. (like why he's 36, and never been in a super serious relationship-- or why he met me.. and didn't run like crazy.. -- or like why he told me he wanted to marry me... repeatedly).. he shouldn't tell me I have to fix mine. That and the fact that noone gives me credit for what I do do, only for what I don't do. I already feel bad about everything in my life, I don't need an additional guilt trip.
I wonder what it is.. he really wants... or what he thinks he wants. I wonder why he reads my blog, and why he writes what he does. I feel like I learn more from his blogs, than.. what he tells me on the phone or online and such.
And... I wonder why... he still thinks he told me where he lived. I did ask, repeatedly... and the answer i got was.. (whatever the name of his town is.. --not Baltimore, but he replied that once or twice),and I'd say.. yeah.. but WHERE DO YOU LIVE? and .. I never got a response. I guess that was my cue, to say,, "HELLO!! TONY!!!!WHAT THE FUCK IS UR ADDRESS?" because the day.. I finally did get his address.. (right before he dumped me), it was like pulling teeth to get it.. and it bugs me more, that he couldn't see how upset I was that I felt like he just wouldn't tell me.
The thing is, I don't see why we can't try and work things out right now. I guess that is what bugs me the worse about this whole situation. I feel like, even if he wanted me down the road for whatever reason... that I don't know if I could trust that he could make a true commitment to me.
He mentioned something.. about freedom from guilt.... ( so I'm thinking, my actions, make him feel guilty about something) but I don't understand, why? or what? or whatever?? I questioned him, and he changed the subject.....
But whats new... he says.. he'd still like to get together sometime soon, but.. of course, no firm plans, but I should be used to that. He did say he was free on New Years, but.. I felt like he'd enjoy his time better alone. Though, it would be nice to spend New Years... with someone I loved, for once. Though I'm not sure what I have to celebrate.
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5 comments:
"No, see this is the same idiot whose last fiance also tried to commit suicide, went to Shepard Pratt (major mental institution in Baltimore), and we had glorious sex while she was imprisoned there. Strictly for medicinal purposes to be sure."
The above was "super serious" relationship #2, which I told you about ...repeatedly.
Weren't you listening?
T.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? and .. I never got a response. I guess that was my cue, to say,, "HELLO!! TONY!!!!WHAT THE FUCK IS UR ADDRESS?
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? and WHAT THE FUCK IS UR ADDRESS?, are two totally different, yet related, questions. The first you asked, repeatedly, and I gave you a response, the second you asked once, and I gave you a response.
I know this because you sent me a mapquest link, would you like me to post that too?
T.
Ok, they are two different questions, and I realized that with you, I have to ask a specific question...
With relationships, I was talking about marriage, (and I didn't now she was in the nut ward..but that is besides the point). SO when talking about marriage, I believe you said... something like..... not ever being "officially" engaged, because you had never gotten her a ring....
Please correct me if I'm wrote. Though, the fact that we keep posting petty shit on each other blogs, makes me wonder... why do both of us keep doing it, knowing the other is going to read it? For me... its hard for me to say things sometimes.. and even when I ask.. (like the address thing)... I apparently don't say the right words... (though since i work in customer service, I should know that sometimes you need to reword things so that people can understand it...).. I just feel like you understand me.. more than anyone I know, and that of course I'd want to know where you lived.
On to someting similar.... I remember you invited me down once.. though.. I never went as far as even planning to do so. (really wanted to see your guys' concert), and I know .. last nite.. (or the nite before) I said something... like.. "what would u think if I came down sometime..." AND though, I've not heard anything from you yet.... I wonder what ur thoughts are on it... and before I hear ur's ... I'll tell you mine. I would love to be with you, and see "ur world", though I think you know that... but the unknown scares me. Not because I'm scared of the things in ur life, or that I think I would hate it.. but back to you telling ur friends about my blog (while I don't want to go into that... I shouldn't of got upset about it, and I apoligize for my overreactions).. but my point is.. I think everyone in ur world would hate me.. and even if they didn't at least for a while I'd think that. It scares me.. .. the thought of me not being comfortable in ur world.
Even though I truely don't understand what it is you are wanting or needing, or why you feel the need for me to be in your life still, I still will always wish to be part of your world. I really wanted to create our own little space in this heartless cruel world, where none of the outside BS would matter anymore, because we would be a family...
Me and my stupid fantasies...
On the address thing, T. before you even thought of coming to meet me you gave me your zip code, cuz I asked where you lived, in my Yahoo maps, I saved ur information (only the zip code) as Tony's Place, Then when I went to give you the map directions, I saw that was saved, though I never remembered when it got there, and gave u directions off that. You never told me your street address, until the last time, right before you dumped me. Though, it is just trivial now, I wanted to let you know how I got the zip code.
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