Love & Marriage

Two things I really really want. Two things I desire.

I talked with Josh last nite, and T. Interesting convos on both ends. I realized each time, I want T. more and more. It kills me. Because I know, he doesn't want it, and it will never happen. It was nice to be able to share with him what was going on. He sincerely did seem happy for me. Though, he thinks I'm happy and I'm not. I'm distracted, thats all, at least for the most part. He said, I should go for it, I should have sex with Josh, but.. its not that simple for me.

First off, because I have HPV. Secondly, because I don't love Josh. Though, I see myself becoming attached to him, and its starting to scare me. He gives me more affection than anyone I've ever met. Mostly when he's here, he just holds me, and it is so comforting. He takes my hand in his, and holds my hand. I sort of feel like a teenager again, except, I don't feel like he expects sex. Which makes the whole thing.. even better.

I'm afraid I'm going to scare him off. Some of the things I do are habit, but I'm sure they are meant to scare men off, because on some level, I like being alone. Its comfortable. Its safe... if I'm only casually dating, I don't get my heart broken. I should of stuck with that instead of giving T. a chance. I can't believe I allowed myself to be hurt like that. I punish myself, my spirit, every day, for what I allowed myself to believe about him. He's a nice guy, I still believe that, but... I never was that important to him, and never can be, because he won't allow it. He has his life, and until he really decides, he wants more than what he has now, noone will get in.

So this topic was supposed to be about love & marriage... and it is.

I thought about one of the reasons I'm still sad. First, I really thought I'd be married this year. I was supposed to marry C. (the guy from Romania)-- and I called off the whole relationship in January. We were supposed to be married in June. I've dated so many people this year, it kind of makes me wonder what the HELL is wrong with me. Well, I do know what is wrong with me, but.. because I am the way I am, I don't try to blame anyone for not wanting to be with me. I know I'm fucked up. I know, things in my life are scary, I know.. I'm hard to tolerate....

BUT.. what I don't understand is why guys have to fuck with me. I tell them.. "this is how it is" and tell them, everything I could possible thing of, to tell them, to let them know, I'm a bitch, I'm not easily tolerable, I'm too needy, I'm too demanding, and they still insist that they love me (which love should be unconditional), and want me. So, then... I get my hopes up, only to be crushed a while later... WHY? because they were wrong they say... and they are sorry. And part of me doesn't blame them. I can't tolerate myself, or some of the things I do/ or have done, so why should anyone else? Besides, when I feel a relationship isn't healthy, I end it... so why shouldn't they. They are only looking out for their best interests, so what is wrong with that. Nothing really, it just hurts. I wish people could reach deep within themselves, to realize what they really want, before they drag me into their life, only to change their mind a short time later.

Just like EPB also.... he had no idea what he wanted in life. I told him, if I don't see us growing, or I see you are holding me back, I will end it. I did. I struggled with ending it because I loved him so much. I still do. I always will. That is what love is to me, truely loving that person, forever.... but just because you love someone doesn't mean you can tolerate them all the time.

Well, I wish I had more time to write, but I have to get my ass to work.

Where is my editor? I don't think she's doing her job.. (WELL--- I must not pay her enough) hahahhah... I LOVE YOU, LISA!!