My first date since the breakup....

His name is Josh. I considered him just a friend since he is way younger, and only 19. It turned out to be way more. The way he looked at me, turned me on. The way he smelled turned me on. We played pool, it was fun, I sucked, but we tied, both with 2 wins. Then we went to the movies, watched SAW. That movie was fucking wierd....

BUt anyway, he put his arm around me.. at the beginning of the movie, and I lay my head on his shoulder, he held me thru the whole movie.. there was only one really gross part, that freaked me out (the guy sawed his own leg off). We both just kept looking at each other, and saying.. what? and nothing. It was kind of funny. Then he kissed me. It was different, but nice.

After the movie, he took me back home (YES, he picked me up!!, and he opened doors for me.. such a gentlemen) Neither of us wanted to part, so we went inside the house..and cuddled, and kissed until 12, when I had to go pick up Francais... so I asked him if he wanted to go with, and he did. Then we came back, and .. . he just left.. a little after 4.

He asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him, that I wasn't sure about it .. and... told him . that part of my problem was the age difference, but.. in the end... I told him yes. Part of me.. is like WHY ? WHY? WHY? , and the other part is, like, he's younger. . its not going to be anything serious.. just enjoy his company.. and be happy about it. Thing is... as much as I enjoyed his company tonite... I still missed T. Especially since about 12:23 or so.. he called. Since when does he call on a Saturday nite. I so wanted to answer that ring, it broke my heart that I couldn't talk to him, but I was feeling wanting.. I was held.. I felt loved, though... I know its not love.. and i'm not sure it will be.. I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm not sure that I even want to start a sexual relationship.

It just felt nice to be held, to be wanted.. to have someone take time for me.. We watched some movies, and he held me.. and I fell asleep in his arms. I felt safe again. I so wanted to take him to my bed, and fuck the hell out of him, but I know it would be for all the wrong reasons.