Tomorrow is Another Day

I have so much on my mind; I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been sick for the last few days... well since Friday to be exact. That was the day that I started my new meds; guess what, my stomach did not appreciate them. A bad reaction, not actually called allergic, but went back to the doctor today, and they suggested I stop that medication and just eat and drink what was tolerated. It sucks. I’ve been sick to my stomach all weekend. I was finally able to eat with out being sick. Luckily. Still have a headache and stomach pain though. Who would have known? I’ve never had stomach problems with my meds. Oh well.

I’ve been really emotional. I’m off the Effexor. I think I am doing well. C., well he always cheers me up. I love being with him (even though it is online) and just thinking about him. My mood just went from about 4 to about 9.999999 just typing this message about him. I’m so in love. I just hope my heart doesn’t get ahead of myself on this one. I only wish to be happy more times than I am sad. 

I’m watching a movie on lifetime, so my thoughts may be a little distracted, I’m writing during commercials cuz I want to go to bed in the next half hour. Well, about C., I love him so much. Lately my heart, body and soul have ached for him so much. I don’t understand how I can be so in love with a man that I have never met, but I believe in love, and I know that he and I will give all that we have to make each other happy. He seems so open to my needs, and to the fact that I am not perfect. I am a perfectionist though, and that makes it hard for me to accept that my life isn’t. I want things to be as close to perfect as they can be. I do know that bad things and sadness will be in my life though. I have to accept that to get better.

I don’t know how much longer I can live here with my grandmother. The negativity gets to me. I don’t know how someone can be so negative. I know I do that to myself, but I’ve never that I can recall, tried to be so negative to others. I’ve always tried my hardest to make others happy. That is what makes me happy. I love to give myself to others, just is seems most people in my life take advantage of it. My whole family does. The only two people... well three people... that haven’t are D, my daughter, C, my fiancé, and S, my best friend. I guess my other best friend J, hasn’t either, but I’m not sure where I stand with her. I’m working on trying to get up the courage to help her, because I will have to heal from this too. I want her to be happy.

So, this week I have lots to do. I will go to partial 3 days this week. I have a class I am attending on Wednesday about children’s behaviors, and will also go shopping. And I have to write the invitation for my fiancé, and also get the applications and get them filled out for housing. Not my first choice for wanting to live, but I have to get out of here. I don’t know how I will survive… but I know I can be strong until C. gets here. I don’t live living alone; I don’t think I ever have. I have always wanted my family to be there. I can’t wait to finally feel as if “my” family is complete. I can’t wait to be wed. I think it has always been my dream, and I can’t believe that soon, it will become a reality. I can’t wait to give my love to him, and receive that same love back. They way he looks at me makes me feel so special… it’s as if the miles that we are apart, aren’t really there.

Life is scary though. I don’t know why I ever changed my mind about living life, but I am glad I did. I wish I could help those that don’t feel that way. How do you help someone that really has no reason to live though? How do you help someone that feels no love? I think love is the greatest thing on earth. First the love of my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me thru the first 2-3 years after her birth. She made me happy, everything she did, seemed so perfect. Then, she got an attitude. I realized I couldn’t live on her to make me happy. I had to, and have to find the happiness within myself. What makes me happy? A beautiful day, talking with friends, writing, both here and my poetry. My dreams of the future make me happy. C. makes me happy. Knowing I’m alive makes me feel happy. I’m looking for more things to find my happiness in, and I know one day, I will find them… but for now... its is time for me to take care of me, and get some beauty rest.. Tomorrow is another day.