Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Borderline
This was sent to me in my BPD group online. Not sure where they found it, but it really hit the spot on how I feel most of the time.
I'm a borderline
that no one listens to
a borderline
that no one sees.
Every day I deal with problems
that seem normal
to everyone but me.
I am unworthwhile as problems go-
I really have it all together,
totally capable in any way.
No one can see me
incapacitated by my own anxiety
immobilized by fear and stress
hidden underneath a sheath
of everyday.
I took some Prozac
to feel better.
A nice band-aid
to cover the spot
of internal bleeding.
It worked.
but I'm still losing jobs
and I am still imploding relationships
like too many seagulls
on alka-seltzer.
But at least I can
better achieve the
glossy, high- quality
fakeness
that feeds everyone's expectations.
They made me president of a club.
They made me captain of the team.
They made me super-counselor at camp.
And editor of the paper.
They believed I could do it.
I failed every one.
And someone else stepped up
cleaned up
the mess I left behind.
Somehow I fooled every one of them
into thinking that I could do it.
After two months, I quit my job at the beach.
After four, I quit the paper.
I lasted two months at the Nile,
and a whole eight weeks at camp.
A single month as a janitor of the second floor.
A whopping seven months at the department store.
And Last but not least, after two months I was
fired from fine
dining.
I've never had a job I've liked- or been able to
keep.
And I was really trying at the last one.
I told Dylan, Scott, Chris, Ben, and Dustin
in whispers so sweet
"I'd love them forever."
"That this time was different."
I'm the most amazing woman.
I'd convince them, each
in his own language.
And when he was finally convinced,
I'd run away, and
abandon him at love's door,
with nothing more than an intense desire
to escape NOW
fueling my getaway.
Me, the borderline.
Living every day
my life meter switch
stuck on "survival."
Through periods of anger
I have several mementos.
Three punched holes
in three different walls.
A scratched, dented car.
Scratched, cut skin.
A piercing.
Many miles of gasoline
used up in silent crying, destination-
"anywhere but here."
Smoking cigarettes, smoking weed. Drinking my
health to the floor.
Impulse purchases- blades, clothes, bags, books,
and twenty different
bottles of shampoo. Screaming obscenities at
people I love, building
a firewall of hate for no reason. Insensible as
it all is, I sit
here, a borderline, this is my everyday.
Regretting my behavior. Dragging my feet through
work each shift
takes every ounce of energy I have
My relationships are a mystery to me- something I
will never
understand. Anger and depression are doors I try
unsuccessfully to
hold closed. I am nothing but a fake- hoping to
somehow achieve
normalness by convincing you that I am.
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