Thursday, October 09, 2003
Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the End of ...
Not even sure where to start. So much has been going on. I attended a class yesterday about young children’s behaviors, and tried to relax and couldn’t. My sister had me run her to Bradford, and unfortunately the money I was expecting did not come and no one knows why. That upsets me greatly. I did, however, get a check from TN from Walter for child support. I wish it would come regularly, but I don’t ever expect that.
Today I went to partial. I got really emotional. I don’t feel like I’m much in control. I’ve realized I’m not meeting most of my needs. Right now, one of the things that bother me the most is bothering me right now, my grandma. Can’t she see that I am busy and shut up? This is what drives me crazy the most. She always invades my personal space, and doesn’t expect anyone to want privacy. I think she was born on a different planet.
I really need to get out of my grandma’s house, but in the same token I am scared. Scared of how I will be when I am alone. I don’t want anything to happen like before. I felt so scared and alone. I was terrified of being alone. Terrified to go to sleep, terrified of myself. I don’t like that feeling. I will try my hardest not to ever feel that way again.
I am now getting sleepy. Something I hate, I hate feeling sleepy and tired. I feel lazy because I can never get enough done. Why? Because I spend a lot of time online. Online time keeps me sane though. I get to write here, on my blog, talk to the love of my life, and also to a few of my friends and family. It gives me some emotional support, and helps make up for my lack of physical touch.
I read a story today; it’s been going around lately. It was about the US landing on the moon, and trying to prove that they didn’t. I don’t know enough about the moon, to say whether I believe it or not. I really have no opinion. I wonder about other people, and what points they would argue though.
Some of the things I learned in that class the other day were helpful. They helped me realize why my sisters and brothers and I have no respect or value to my mother’s words. It makes me realize it was my mother’s lack of parenting skills, and that my sisters and brothers are not bad kids. Just hurt, mislabeled and neglected. I still find it hard to let go. I have to though, because I will not be around forever, and because they are pretty much grown up. I have to realize, that I can’t make them change, and I can’t really shape them anymore, because they have already been molded. It’s hard though. They are “my kids”.
I have to work on my own parenting skills, and be the best mom to my daughter. So that she can grow up to be a good productive adult.
One thing that the lady said yesterday that I didn’t really agree with was… that she as a parent would want her kids to have a better work ethic, rather than a high IQ and a good personality. I wouldn’t. My grandmother has the highest work ethic I have ever seen, and worked for this company 25 and some odd years. My dad has worked half that time, and he makes more than she does. What kind of bullshit is that? I couldn’t say. I want my children to be intelligent, and not take any bullshit. I do think they should have good work ethic, but I don’t think that should be the highest priority on the list.
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