My beloved C.

I mean to write C. a letter, but I hope that he will just read this here. I'm pretty sure he reads it every once in a while. As much as I need him, I fear the loss of my own independence. It is something I need. I fear that because he is coming here, He will seriously want to be with me 24/7 and I'm not sure how tolerate I will be of that. Sure at first that is what I want to, I want to spend time getting to know him more, and showing him how much I love him, but after a while, I will become cranky and irratable and depressed. I need time to myself, as well as with my friends and family. I also worry excessively of our finances once he is here. I worry of that all the time, but I wonder how we will get by. I just so much, want to share my life with him, sometimes I am afraid to step up and say what is really on my mind. I've had too many years of pretending nothing is wrong, so it is hard for me to speak up. That is why I am glad that I can write, because it helps me get things out.

I fear the life I have,
I fear the life I want,
I fear the things that have happened,
I fear the fear will always haunt.

If fear was money,
I'd be rich,
but rather I am ordinary,
I am such a bitch.

A bitch with a passion,
A bitch with a care,
A bitch who wants to be
anywhere but there.

For there I fear,
The fear,
the fear that keeps me near
Near the ones that haunt my life
and hold the dreaded mirror.