Yesterday.

Negativity-where does it get you? I dunno-but what if it is really the reality? Seriously-being positive only makes me dream and hope for more and so when I don't get it-all I get is greater dissappointment. I don't want that. But I don't wan this life I have now either. I want to be happy. I want to be normal.-Whatever the hell that is.

I have realized I need to move away now more than ever. The only reason I don't cut here is because I'm in the "good girl" role- that I've always been in. I hate it, I loathe it. It consumes me.

Darian has been cranky lately, Why I ask? I think because of my moods. I think she feels what I feel - just like I empathize with others.

I hate my fantasies of the future. How can they ever come true? They can't because I don't deserve happiness. Do I believe this is true? For the most part. Well I will continue this when I get home, if I make it. (NOTE: I orginally wrote this in my journal at home, and am retyping it, as I will do with other entries from my DAY/NIGHT journal) Well, I am home-Unfortunately my grandma is still awake. All I thought about on the way home is how my life is a sham and how me nor anyone else knows how things will turn out in the future. I also really want to talk to C. Now I'm thinking oh, yeah, I should break it off with him. Before I give him a chance to bring pain in my life. Who knows that he will or won't though.

THere is no God. SO.. I guess I'll never find out. Life & everything in it is a sham, it is not reality.I don't understand how I can be so intelligent and dumb at the same time. I have coping skills and i chose not to use them tonite, so I feel like shit. Least it is a real feeling and I'm not pretending my life is a dream world anymore.I plan on taking the risperadol I found along with my tother meds and see if that helps anyway. Can't hurt. I don't have enough for that sort of thing. My negative thinking again. I

I just dont' get life, and why my family is so fucked up. A. has to have everything her way and it's just easier to give in to her. Hell she's had 18 years of training. 18 years of being in charge. ANd i let her, just as my parents die. What do I do though? I can't make her change.How do I cope with her?

I'm so confused in my life. I don't know how to fix it. I feel broken. I feel lost and hurt. I feel scared. I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know how to feel happy and be realistic at the same time. How? I wish I did. I wish to learn that someday.

I'm so scared that C. and I won't work out. Seriously am I being realistic, I mean I'm in love and engaged to a man I've never met. It's strange, yes. Everyone is negatie about it though. I just really don't see the difference between this and arranged marriages. I mean they don't even meet their husbands/wifes until they are married or shortly before. I am very commited and C and I were friends before we wanted to date. We want some of the same things- a better education, a family, someone to hold, and love and share with. We both share a disbelief in God. For once, I found someone who is like me and just doesn't believe because everyone else does. We like the same music. Both like the internet. of course. :) I just don't know where I should go with this. I mean. Well. If I break up with him, I'm feel like I'm running away, I'm pushing him away. I feel like I haven't given "us" a chance. If I stay, I feel like, I'm not living in a real world. What do I do? Where do I go from here. It's scary, its' unreal.

I wish I could just move- and go somewhere far away. Away from here, away from the mess that I've created of my life. I want to be held. I want to be loved. How do I heal myself without C.? I don't know. But I don't want to be completely dependant either. How do I find the in between, that my personality doesnt want me to? How do you become independantly dependant or how do you find the healthiness in being both?


I do not know, I do not care.
I do not want to go over there.
I do not want to stay here
either.
I do not want to become a believer.
I want to find out
who I am.
I want to find out if my life
is a sham.
I just want the truth to be seen.
I want to see the in between.