I had a sort of understanding with myself today. How long it will last is beyond me though. I come to the conclusion, that I don't want to die today. I don't like to cut either, but it gives me something I don't already have. The feeling of being alive. The feeling of pain that can be seen.
I still don't know how to figure out how to deal with all this damn pain. But somewhere between this stupid movie we watched at partial by some La Roche lady, and the information, aand just my mind thinking today.. I've figured it out. Also figured out why I don't get anxiety meds, em.. that is because.. most of the good ones are narcotic based..and addictive.. I don't think.. that would be a good thing for me.. heheh..
Well all this thinking made my brain hurt. I still think of the gun, but.. it doesn't feel as as good as a thought. Its hard though, when those thoughts go thru your head, whether you want them to or not. Its hard to even know how that feels unless you go thru it. Like, I couldn't ever imagine what it is like to hear voices, and I crack up everytime the doctor asks me that.. and.. well.. its scary for the people that experience it.
Well.. thats all folks...
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