Finally...

Finally a doctor agreed with me. I may not need medication for my depression. My depression is not.. a chemical imbalance.. its from my upbringing. Well duh, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that is from the way I was brought up. Not learning to cope, not learning the emotional things I needed to develope. The Dr. didn't give me anythign for my anxiety, but he did start a mood stabilizer, Topomax, also a drug used for seizures. Hope it helps, one side effect of it is weight loss, and how could that be a bad thing.

I realize so much, I need to change my perception of life. I need to realize, although I wish I had a real family, it will never happen. My parents could never live up to my expectations, even if they wanted to. I always wanted to please them as a child. Now, I always wonder why. I've also realized, that as a child, I didn't realize these things that went on in my family were wrong. I feel stupid for that. I could of stopped alot of these things before they happened. But i guess I shouldn't keep saying.. If I would have.... that is the past.. I have to live for my future. I don't know what it is though. I don't know what I want it to be. I'm so confused on a daily basis. I can't make heads nor tails of anything in my life.

I've always wanted so much for my future. Always wanted things to be perfect. I know they can't be, but that doesn't stop me from wanting that.

If I had,
everything I wanted,
would my life be
so haunted?

Would I be scared,
of going somewhere new?
Would I always be crying?
And feeling blue?

I ask myself this question,
Almost every day,
I also ask my God,
and nothing he does say.

Am I all alone,
In this dark and lonely world,
Am I all alone,
Answer this I say,
I do not want to be alone,
I do not want to be alone.

Please save my life,
and my soul,
Please tell me where
I have to go..
So
that
I am
not
alone.