Thoughts....

Running thru my head. Not sure whether to be sad.. or happy.. that I'm feeling good today. I thought for sure I would go off the edge.. ( i was hanging there as it was) when I found out C. did not get his Visa. Dissappointing yes... but maybe it wasn't our time to be together... (apparently). Maybe I needed this extra time to work on me, and my goals, and get myself together. I don't want to feel depressed, like I have been the last week or so. I felt so out of control. I've been able to make some good friends in the last week. They have helped me alot. I hope they know who they are :) !!

Last nite, before I went to sleep, I thought of cutting, I thought of suicide... and it was great to wake up and feel totally different. It feels wonderful. Wish I could figure out how to feel this way.. at least 50% of the time.. I'd be all set. Want to share a poem with you all..

Death

With this I could not stay
I'm sorry it had to be this day.

The 13th of January 2004,
It is the last day,
I'm never more.

Too much sadness,
Too much hate,
This is the day,
You learn my fate.

Forgive Please,
I did not mean to hurt you
Forgive me please,
I have no virtue.

Only want to end this pain,
Maybe for another to gain.

I felt really bad last nite, that is all I can really say. I thought maybe I would attempt suicide again. I wrote to my friend, Punky about my thoughts and feelings, and it will probably drive him crazy when he reads it, knowing he can't do a damn thing to help me. He has, though. Writing to him, gives me a change to be heard. Something that I'm not used to. It feels good to have someone I can open up to, and never be scared what I say will hurt him. Because I know, even if it hurts him, he will forgive me.. because I know he loves and cares for me so. I think the sad part of his life, is that noone knows what a good heart he has, but me. I wish I could of done something to help him before he got himself in trouble... I guess I just need to learn, that people need to learn their life lessons on their own, no matter what you say or show them. Thing is.. I never really said anything.. I guess at one point, I may have been scared. But.. that is in the past. I need to work on the future, and decide what it will be like. What do I really want. What will make me happy.

What would make me really happy right now.. is to cuddle up in my boyfriends arms.. and go to sleep. I'm getting really tired.. so I'm off. :)