If I am cut, shall I bleed?

I sat here a few minutes ago, pulling the razor across my skin, it slowed my heartbeat, it slowed my breathing.. both which were rapid. I enjoy the feeling, as well as feel sick from it. WHat the fuck am I doing to myself... I find it sick, but strangely appealing at the same time.

What was going on. I felt depressed, angry.. and even a little suicidal.
Why? I feel like noone cares for me.. or even understands me. Everyone wants to think they understand me.. and I don't!! How can they understand me..better than I understand myself? I dont feel like they can.

I took Darian to a birthday party today. I had so much anxiety, and was so scared. I'd do anything for Darian though. I got thru it. I can still feel the fear in my stomach and chest though. I hate my emotions. I wish I could be numb. I wish they'd give me something to calm me down.

I think of suicide alot. Would I do again? ONly if I could get ahold of a gun. I'm serious. Just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. the critics, and professionals would say. How long is a problem temporary. I've had these problems my whole life. They don't feel temporary to me. And I have BPD, that is not temporary, I'll have that label my whole FUCKING life. Why? because I fear abandonment, because I've been abandoned by my family many many times.... because I cut, and I don't know how to stop. Because I have relationship issues.. and cant' seem to meet anyone nice....

I hate my life, but can't figure out where the tools are to change it. What do I do? I do not know. I feel so scared, scared of myself mostly.. I feel so alone..

Please...
make it go
away