Not Helping

Partial.. doesn't really help much anymore. I'm not into it. That and I don't feel I get the attention I need. Waaa Waa.. I know.. I act like a baby, but.. I just hate spending all this time, and not getting anything out of it. Not that I don't get anything out of it.. I do get a bit, but I don't quite feel like I'm heard. I mean, they want me to take meds, they don't force me, but know that I'm a "good" girl... and I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THEM. The only other person in the group that doesn't take them, that doesn't want to is court ordered. They don't force me to, but when I asked could I get off them, I was told, I should give it at least 6 months to see if it makes a difference. Been on it for two months or so, so four more months to go. . I think. I think I'm so anxious, I'm confusing myself. That is another thing that upsets me.. Why don't they give me anything for my anxiety...???? I have more anxiety than anyone i know. Do i just hide it well. ?? I'm so used to not supposed to be having feelings.. I don't really show them. J is just always "OKAY" . Okay to me.. is living breathing.. nothing more. Its not a true life.

I don't know much. (that is a lie, I know alot..) but anyway.. One thing i know for sure, is that I want a better life.. a real life. I want to be happy. Happy people, don't expect everything to be perfect!! ( I don't.. never have.. never will) Happy people are optimistic. How can I be optimistic and realistic.. at the same time. I can't figure it out. Being optimistic, makes me feel like I'm living in a dream world. I don't like that. I don't like dissappointment... but.. what does that matter? really? I've not experienced..much but that.. (pessimistic)... NO.. i say.. I am just realistic.. I expect the worse.. so if something good happens.. it is a surprise.

Not sure I want to write this here.. as C. reads it... but.. I'm expecting him not to get the visa. That way... I won't be as dissappointed when he doesnt.. or i'll be happy when he does. Believe you me.. I want him to get the visa... This is what I expect.. to happen..actually.. in my mind..

He won't get the visa. I'm too scared to go over there... right now.. (too much anxiety & not enough money). So eventually.. I'll get bored, or upset, and break up with him.. (just like he thinks I will). And I will be sad and depressed, and maybe even suicidal again. But then I'll meet another guy over here.. (in the US) and he will be just as bad as the other guys.. I've met.. and it will take me a while to realize it.. and then I'll just be fucked up again.. and the cycle will continue.. until I die.. or get pregnant..

Either way..

Life goes on.

I know my pessimistic attitude gets in the way of my happiness. But how can I find my happiness, when the only thing I've really found that makes me happy (besides my PC) is making other people happy. How is this a good goal in life? My happiness depends on others and it shouldn't. I should find some happiness in myself. I don't know how. I will never be good enough for myself. I'll never live up to my high expectations. I want my Doctorate for God's sake.

ME, Julie.. a girl from a poor home, where.. only a few .. (less than 6) have went to college.. and even fewer have graduated from it. Most of my family members have their FUCKING GED for GOD's sake. AND they are proud of it. WHAT the HELL? Sure... I graduated from High School with Honors.. (don't know how I pulled that off) I didn't always have the best of grades.. Almost failed Biology.. and 11th grade History. I had D's and F's in those classes. I remember those times well. I remember all the crying I did.. because I didn't study hard enough.

What makes me think I can get my doctorate.... I know I can do anything if I try hard enough... but right now.. I don't even have a job.. I can't even get my resume in order.. and it took me two months to get the energy to balance my checkbook. I barely get out of bed in the morning.. if it wasn't for my daughter.. I probably wouldnt.

What the hell am i going on and on about.. Hell if I know.. I'm shutting up.. i'm just rambling, like the thoughts in my head...

Life goes on..
Tommorrow will be a better day..
Maybe tommorrow,
They sky won't be gray.

We can only hope,
We can only pray,
That tommorrow,
Will be a better day.

Life goes on,
That is all I will say,
Tommorrow will be
a better day.