Wishing..

Wishing I could get my comments to work. Still can't. Mike, help me!!! I put the code in right!??!? I think. THE stupid side bar thingy.. the code was in right for his web site although it wouldnt ever work for me. The other day, I just looked at the code, it looked right, and republished it. .. and it worked.. AMAZING.. blah blah blah..

Anyway...

I think too much. Had a lot of thinking I could do though today, as I drove like for 5 or 6 hours today. It wasn't too bad of a drive and I got to help my friend D. get home with her new Baby Emily.

So, I've come to the conclusion.. (at least my opinion today--I tend to be fickle lately) That.. I cannot marry a man that thinks I'm fat. Ok.. not a big deal to some... but I've never had an issue on whether a man finds me attractive. I've always felt pretty (though I am too chubby), and never had a bf tell me different. Sure the boys at school picked on me a bit, but I always had a smartass comeback,and it never bothered me that much. Maybe cuz I wouldn't be having sex with them or anything. I mean.. I don't want to be making love to my husband.. and not enjoying it, cuz all I can think of is him saying, "Julie, You are fat, lose some weight, she lost weight, so go write that down on how she did it". I said it once, I'll say it again.. FUCK YOU.. I said that to C. Apparently hurt his feelings, but hey.. It hurt mine. One thing I dont tolerate well (other than lack of intelligence) is rudeness. Even said, trying to be funny, weight is not something you joke about to a woman. Especially a woman that has hormone problems. I dunno, small issue, but has a big effect on me. I know some are thinking.. Jae.. you have self esteem issues, and I do, to an extent, because I'll never think i'm good enough.. (and damn I know I'm fat) but, do I need my future husband, telling me what to eat, or what not to, and how I should lose weight. I KNOW how to lose weight, i've done it before. But when its a challenge to not sleep your day away cuz you have nothing to look forward to, how do you get the motivation to work out an hour a day? and to eat healthy. Food is the only thing really enjoyable.

Haven't played my game in weeks, don't talk to many people online. When I am online, I don't really enjoy it, cuz if i'm not multitasking, I get bored easily. And since I have dial up, I can't really do shit on my computer. The one things I enjoy lately are my two new friends, R. who chats with me on MSN (almost daily), and M. a friend of a friend, that emails me every day. Those are the two things I look forward to.

I want so much more. Not monetary.. or whatnot.. I just.. strive for more than this exsistance people call life. I wish I could understand my issues with God. I wish I could get over the fact that most people in my family don't love me or care, and that they will never change, no matter how much I pray that they could just love me and show me affection.

Its a sad life. A life without hope is hardly an existence. Life without hope is hell to me. Today I am partially glad I do have generalize anxiety disorder. I get scared going to new places by myself. Which prevents me from going to the gun shop and gettting a gun. Something any normal person, and even me could do, if I didn't have anxiety. So.. lately I've been thinking of asking (and hope to tommorrow) the Dr for some meds for my anxiety. I hate pills so I wonder deep down inside, that I think something will help, so I can take that trip to the gun shop. And that scares me. Without my anxiety, I'd be dead already. It saves me..but also prevents me from having a normal life. Its sooooo fucking scary.