Faith

I have alot of things I want to talk about. About Faith... Love, Respect.... Honesty...
and Suicide.

I won't get far at this moment, but its all things that occured to me when I talked to T., last nite. I needed that call. I really was on edge. I went to church yesterday, so my faith was low. I don't understand if there is a GOD... why won't he help me? Am I that bad of a person? What did I do wrong? All I want to be is loved. Thats all I want. Thats all I really need. Because after love, everything else falls into place.

T. didn't say much, but I don't think it was necessary. Maybe the reason he called, was because I did need it, I ranted raved, and thought about alot of things. I told him things I don't tell anyone else, because I'm too scared what will happen. Part of me wants to die, and I don't want anyone to stop me. But.. this other part of me, wants to live, be happy and be loved. Part of me wants to conquer the world.

I'm at war with myself. I am the enemy, but I am also the ally. I need to fight myself at times, I am rarely my friend. Every day is a challenge for me. I choose to get up each morning. I choose to go to work, to a job I hate, that is so fucked up, and T, couldn't understand why I want a different job. Sure, my job isn't "THAT" bad, and the money is fucking good, but he of all people should understand. I want more. I want a career. I want things I'll only dream of. Mostly because I'm not sure each day , how long I'll continue to live, and even if I do, with all my health problems... and erratic behaviours.... whose to say, I've not done something utterly stupid, and got AIDS. I don't think I have, but... you never know. I am going to get tested though, its just, my doctor sucks... I need a new one. They never have time to take care of all my issues.

I'm so fucked off right now, about so many things. Migraines are killing me, and if they don't the medicine I take for them may.