Stupidity

I can be so stupid sometimes.
I don't know why I even try to date at this point. I'm not sure monogamy is even what I want. I sure the hell don't want a man, that never pays any attention to me. Yes... I do want my own way. I don't want to settle for anything less than the man worshipping me. WHY? because I do what he wants, which includes almost anything, to please him... the least a guy who wants to be my bf can do, is call and tuck me on at night,(when he can), and call when he says he's going to. Why do men have such issues with that?

Why do I think of my man cheating every time I don't hear from him? HELLO???? because he did the exact same thing to his ex. Should I believe he's not cheating? NO. I have no reason to. After I tell him, some things, it will all be over anyway.

I wish I could learn to communicate more. To really say what I mean. To figure out what I want. Its all about getting my own way again. I want a relationship on my terms, and I'm not sure how to deal with it otherwise. I want a certain amount of attention. A certain amount of phone calls. I want what I want. This is one of those things, I won't settle for less though.

Went to therapy Saturday, came to alot of realizations, about myself, and trying to learn to change those things, that aren't so healthy. I realized that, A. most the time I create my own chaos..... B. Most the reasons I get so upset, is because I haven't gotten my own way... and C. I love attention... I love to be loved, I love to be needed... I need to be needed. All this time, I hear from people, I need to love myself.. ect... but I do love myself, so I've been confused. Its not what it is though.. its my obsessiveness to be needed. If my guy doesn't call me, I feel like he doesn't need me, then I feel worthless, and undesireable. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm not like that, I'm less "needy" per say. Neediness has two sides though, and its a bit confusing as to the way I always thought I was. I always thought that.... I was needy, because I needed something, but its not true.... I need them to need me. My therapist says its not healthy, I agree-- but mostly because I remember rarely feeling depressed the first few years of my daughters life. I remember how happy I was to take care of her. Hence...

How I am now. I crave people that need my help. I enjoy helping others. I feel the need to be needed. I want to be needed. Without being needed... what do you have though? It makes me feel worthless. But so do alot of things lately. Like the fact I'm not doing anything with my life. So, will be making plans soon to take some classes, despite the fact I'll be going into more debt to do it. Blah...

Blah.. Money rules the world. Can someone please... PLEASE win the lottery... (duh, someone I know that would share-- I'm not greedy... if I won, and you are my friend now... um.. I would spoil u rotten)