Fantasies

I wake up this morning, and have thoughts of him..... of T., Something I haven't thought of when waking up in my bed a while. I know what its about, its about his post, and my thoughts on his post. I guess in a way, he's right... I haven't got over him, but I tried to push it to the back of my brain, and distract myself with my "fan club". It worked..... for a while..

I guess thoughts of T, aren't so bad. I mean we are friends again, although I keep asking him to come lick my pussy, half teasingly, half serious. I don't want him to make plans to come see me, I don't want any false hopes or promises from him. Its just thinking of him, is way better than the gun fantasies I've been having lately. I'm just not sure what to do about either. I'm afraid that soon, with everything going on, and I know I just need to learn to cope and deal with this shit, that I'll go over the edge, and walk into the gun shop, and not be afraid.. Actually at this point I'm not afraid... its just.. I'm not sure if I want to die.. Mostly for my little girl, my friends.... But me.. Myself... I've always wanted to die to some degree, and still do. I see nothing good in this life, I have no real dreams. I have noone to love me unconditionally. I have noone to hold me at nite. Noone to call when I'm upset and in tears.

The men that I pick, will always be ones that were similar to my parents. The love I seek is the same. Its like a built in mechanism. I'll always find someone that can't love me like I love them. I'll always be hurt. Thats not much to look forward to. And with my personality, its going to take years and years of hard work to change these things.. that they call "faults", things that aren't "normal" .. Fuck being normal, I just want to function.

I debate daily. Part of me... does want a serious relationship. Part of me just wants to get laid. But with no orgasm, that's become uneventful, especially since the men I've met don't really seem concerned. That fucks me off. A man should work hard to give me an orgasm, actually multiple orgasms. And do whatever it takes, because I'd do the same for him.

So again, I go back to being lonely, I've shut out alot of people that care about me, the rest are busy, some don't care. I miss having someone to talk to at night before I go to bed. Someone to tuck me in, and make me feel loved. Mostly all I really want, is someone to kiss, someone to talk to, someone to hold me.... but everyone always wants more...