More Thoughts...

Of T.... of course.
I know I'm ok with how things are, but I still wonder, why he acts the way he does about things. For instance, he said, he'd like to come see me, but he doesn't think I could behave. ME? Not sure it would just be me, but we haven't seen each other for months. Things aren't the same. I'm not the same person. I'm not sure its all good either. I feel like I'm back to square one. I love him, but I know in my heart, things happened the way they did for a reason. I told him, that he's always welcome at my house, always welcome to come see me, but I refuse to make any plans with him at all. He seemed ok with that, and seemed to understand. I can't allow myself to be hurt. If we make plans, I'll get hurt again. I would love to hang out sometime with him, love to see his band play, but then it gets tricky. I know my hearts still aches because I'm lonely. I picture this.

He comes over, we hug, and hold each other for many moments... sit on the couch, and I lay my head on his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me... rubbing his hands... on my back. I nuzzle my head into his neck, and runs my hands over his head, and down his neck. I feel him hug me close, and we look into each others eyes.... and we kiss..

and it all feels the same again. Just like it did before. Like a dream world. An Unreality. Not what I'm looking for. I want something real. I want someone real. At this point, I still just want someone to hold me. Someone to love me. To love me for me, and to accept me.. as I am now. COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. If you can accept me as I am now, supposedly, they say things will get better.

I do try. I don't know who I'm trying to convince. I guess I could try harder. But all I want to do is go back to school. I feel hopeless because I can't. I feel stupid for the choices I've made recently. I feel like noone can understand me, or why I do the things I do. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel sick. I hate how things are, and I'm not sure how to change them. I need help, and the professional help I'm getting isn't enough. I need more.

I need more.
I always do...
and I always will..

and thats why I will be alone... forever. .....