As follows is my latest response from T. Not sure how I feel about the whole thing, with the exception that I have moved on, and its obvious he has too, only I don't think he thinks I have. I guess in a way, he's right, because if he were to come up here, and woo me, I'd prolly fall for his shit all over again. But, I know Tone, well enough to know, he'd never do that. So no worries on my end. If you can follow along... Our latest correspondence is below:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ::c&nc3R::
Date: Feb 6, 2005 06:19 PM
Clearly I am toxic for you, so why do you want this?
t/v
Its like alcohol, you know its bad, but you drink it anyway...
^^^^^^^^^^^This is you admitting that I'm right....
I'm not sure that's it, but... I realize you are going to have your own opinion anyway. I do at this point think you are bad for me, in a relationship, but you are, or were a good friend.
I care for you, I miss our friendship,
It just took me a while to realize you aren't the one that I was meant to be with.
^^^^^^^^^^^(Sings....) you're lyyyyy-iiinnnnnnggg.;)
Thing is, I'm not really lying... I've stopped missing you as much. I realized I can't pine over a guy that won't make any type of commitment to me. I need to feel important in the relationship, so until a man can make me number one, I'll just continue to date, like I have been. Which has been fun, Its nice to get out, to not be as depressed, spend less time in front of the computer... Now if I could just have an orgasm, I'd be set.
I realized I'm not ready for that type of commitment anyway....
^^^^^^^^^^^This is you realizing that you lied, and now telling the truth...
I don't think I lied, and I'm not sure what you meant by this. Yes, my whole life, all I wanted to do is get married. To have someone to take care of, to take care of me. Someone to love me and hold me, and make love to me. Someone to snuggle with when its cold out. Someone to share my feelings with, someone to listen to me.. someone to care... SOMEONE that makes me number 1. I'm not ready for marriage. Sure I did think I was, but honestly, I don't think you are either. Other things are way more important. I'm a bit sorry I chased you away, with my neediness, my obsession, lets call it... I thought I could be 100% honest with you, without any precussions.... but I couldn't, I let the real me show thru, the sick me, the me that I don't like so much, the me that I'm working on changing... And maybe without regards to your feelings, but you never told me... "Julie, you hurt my feelings", You just stepped away.... back into your own little world, that I wasn't involved in. That hurt. It still does, because I trusted you, and loved you. I know, the trust thing was an issue, but I trusted you more than most people I know, I trusted you with my heart... with my love...only to be abandoned, which you should know is why I act so needy... I fear abandonment... because that's all I know, and I don't like it. For the most part, I can say it was never my fault people went away... with the exception of you.
I told you when we met, I was way more needy than you, and you said.. no problem, but that wasn't true.
You are right here, but then I've already admitted this you, apologized, perfusely....
Thing is.... you mite have, but you talk in this weird form sometimes, which I sometimes get, but am always left confused as to why you can't just say it in plain english. Don't get me wrong. I like the way you write... but I don't get it. I don't like feeling stupid and confused when you say stuff.... like "sorry can't come see you, trying to keep the man's hands out of my pocket" or something like that. Then I'm more hurt about the fact that you are so broke you can't come see me, but you can't bother to call.... I know I keep saying the same things it seems, but I feel that you aren't listening to me. We haven't had a real conversation in months.... Of course for a while, I'm not sure I was able to have one.
I guess, I just don't want you writing me out of my life, and I think maybe we could still have some sort of friendship. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe not... who knows....
Since you have been so honest with me, I will return the favor. Joules, I miss you, I really do, sure there were things about you that drove me crazy, but I general Ireally thought you were "it".
I appreciate your honesty, but I don't really understand you. I don't know how you can even really think I was it. Sure we talked for months, but we really didn't spend that much time together. I know I drove you crazy, and you couldn't tolerate it, so how in the fuck could I be it. Your fucking crazy, I hope you know that. If you really thought I was it, things would of worked out and we'd be together. Thats what I believe, that love conquers all, but all we seem to do is talk in circles. Love is stronger when you believe in each other. Maybe its just we had communication problems, which I don't really think it was overall, its just we want different things in life. I want to go back to school, have a career, and then maybe settle down, because its obvious at this point in my life, that I can't choose a stable suitor, whom I find suitable for marriage. And I'm not sure what you want really. I hear one thing out of ur mouth, and see another in front of my eyes. Your actions speak louder than ur words. Actions are the only thing that really count, if you can't stand up, and follow thru with what you say, its kind of like saying... that the relationship isn't important. Thats what I heard- Thru all the I love you's and the.. I want to marry you, and I want you to have my babies.... etc.. etc.. etc... All I heard was... "Julie.. you aren't important to me, Julie... I'm too busy to call you, Julie.... Everyone else in my life is more important.... , Julie... I don't really love you, I just want to fuck like mad, and break ur heart." Not that I have a problem with fucking, just I'm tired of men playing games, if you want sex tell me, if you want a relationship, tell me that, but don't tell me one thing, and take another... YOU are the one that said... you wanted to marry me... YOU are the one that got the insane thoughts in my head.... LIKE OMG.. i feel complete when he holds me.... I love the way he kisses me.... i love snuggling at nite... I could get used to this... and the fact is, I really could... IF that was the way it really was... but that is just my fantasy world... MY reality is different. I have no knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet, which isn't entirely bad. I need to stand on my own two feet, get my life in fucking order, then I'd feel alot better about it. Life that is... and everything that has to do with it. Truth is, I never felt I could enter your world, and you never really allowed me, but probably would of ended there, because as much as I would enjoy it... My number one is my daughter, and everyone else comes after that. I need to do what I feel is best for her and what is right.. and what is moral .. or whatever. I'm sure you know what I mean. Thing is, what hurt most at first, was the fact that she missed you, and that she loved you. She wanted you to be her daddy... I've never really heard her say that to anyone I've ever dated, not even Wil, (the guy from KS-- that i lived with forever), it took her a while to adjust to him, and they never really clicked like you and her did. I loved watching you with her.
NOt sure what to say here....
Well, I'm not really sure what to say here either. Since the reason I wrote you really didn't answer. I wanted to know if we could be friends. My thought is the answer is no, and I've been ok with that, but it still hurts. Rejection always does.
But I need to get off here. I have to figure out how I'm getting to work, even though it was as stupid as paperwork, I don't have any idea when I'm getting my car back, and I have to see about renting a car. I'm so fucked off. I have impound fees, along with daily fees with the impound, and they won't release my car at all right now, and supposed PennDot is working on it, but they say it takes 5 days to process. I have to go to work. I can't really afford to miss any more work. I need to look for something else though. Darian has surgery on Friday to get her teeth removed that have cavities. Oh.. and not only did this shit happen with my car Thursday... some asshold hit my car last week, then put a number on my windshield that doesn't work. Nice.. people are fucking nice...
Are you enjoying the nice weather.. its really wonderful. I hate the cold.
Well, if you want to talk.. You know where to find me.
Take care Tone..
<3>
Tony
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