Blade

As the blade cuts across my skin...
A thin red line, becomes visible,
Its barely noticable, at first,
Its very very thin...

More blood comes out,
I slide it across my skin, again...
I feel the comfort it brings,
Calming, relaxing, what a shameful thing.

Guilt comes thru,
My blade again, cuts the skin..
Another line,
Another sin.



No, I haven't cut, but I came really close... Last nite, as I walked past one of the barrels in my house.. (one that Francis is shipping to Africa), I spot some new shaving blades, four to be exact, I pick one up, it looks clean, and i hang on to it, as I gather my things and go upstairs. I go in the bathroom, thinking of the relief this will give me. I clean the blade and go up to my room. I sit it on the table as I boot up my computer and sit down to relax. I try not to look at the blade, as I go about my email, and my chatting. I think about CG, and the pain I feel about all this. I think about how alone I am. I think about being a bad mother. I think about all my problems and all my faults. I cry. I think about the blade, I resist the tempation, and distract myself with my hot or not account. Cute men, always emailing me. Always looking for sex or fun. I have hopes that, one will, tickle my fancy, and be looking for a serious relationship or a meaningful friendship. I'm looking for someone to give me attention. Attention, I've never really had. It all sucks. I'm so frustrated... and hate that I'm so fucked up.