My weekend...

My weekend was absolutely wonderful. Now... things aren't so great though, I'm down on a real low, from the high I was on. Not because I miss him..., but because I can't cope with what I may do to him in the future. When I say him, I'm referring to CG. I love him, I truly do, but I see my habits coming thru, as they usually do. I'm hurting already, paranoid to some extent that he will leave me, that he will hurt me, and my daughter. But the thing is... I don't want to hurt him.

In my mind, I'm running away already... running far. I've thought about breaking up with him, why did this run through my mind? He didn't call last nite. First nite, he forgot to call, and he didn't really forget.. he fell asleep, just as I did, mostly likely because he was exhausted. I was ready for bed at 11pm, so what does that tell you??

He was so wonderful the whole weekend. He gave me the perfect date, something I never thought could happen. He spoiled me. I loved it. He never once mentioned money, and part of it bugs me. I know he spent alot of money coming up, buying things, and what not.... Its something we haven't really talked about.

I still think about the weekend, and how wonderful it was. How much I felt spoiled, How perfect he is. Its weird. We are so much alike, yet so different at the same time. We have plenty of the same values, and needs, and I just hope it stays this way. Its scary. He's going thru alot, as well as me.

He questioned my self esteem the other day... because I asked.. "What is the benefit of you dating me? What can I give the relationship?" I feel these questions have nothing to do with self esteem, but more as to being in a healthy relationship. I'm a mess. Even when I'm good, its hard, because you never know when I'll flip out and have a breakdown/meltdown. I'm so unpredictable, so unstable. What kind of person wants someone like that in their life. Its not what I'm looking for, so I find it hard to accept.

To BE Continued...