Realizations...

On my desk is a fortune cookie fortune. It says " You will come to realizations in your life that change you forever". Little did I know, when I got this fortune cookie months ago, that it was, and is true. In the last few months, I've learned more about myself, and how I work, and how I see things. I've become more aware of my faults, and what it is I'm looking for in life. I've learned more than I have in the last 26 years. I still don't know all there is to know, and I don't know how to be quite happy. But I can say, I realize the happy moments and take advantage of them, and enjoy them. This is something I never did before.

It started before this, but this was a major changing point. Probably 3 weeks to a month ago, I had a talked with my friend, Paul, someone whom I've never met, but have all intentions to. He's a good friend online, and we always have meaningful conversations. We have always talked about T. alot. He always thought T. was bad for me, but never really said. Just gave me words of encouragement. Paul is married, and I always ask him for love advice. Well, like I said.. about a month ago, we had a conversation about why I idealized the relationship with T. I never realized it, but it was because he saved me. He saved me from EPB, he saved me from myself, and he gave me hopes and dreams. Something I don't remember ever really having. At least not realistically. I had hopes and dreams before, but I never did anything for them to come true. I never really thought they would happen. My hope for the future, is to be happy. To be ok, with me, to feel safe with myself. Sounds weird, but its hard when the person you are with the most, yourself, is the person you can trust the least.

Every day is a journey. Every day, I've learned something new, especially with the help of CG. He gets my mind thinking, and encourages me to explore why things are they way they are. I don't totally agree with what he says, especially about moving on, because, I need to have closure for my life, I need to have closure on the bad things that happened. I don't know how to do that. I can't cut myself off from my family, although I sometimes think I should. My love is unconditional, whether they love me or not. Well last nite, in our talk, CG, and I explored alot of things. One was the molestation by my uncle. The other, was where did my life go wrong...

I stated to him, "9 months before I was born". He was like, no... really... Julie, where did it go wrong. I sort of tried to prove my point, and I said... " my parents never wanted me, NEVER." And its true. I was a pawn on their chessboard from day one, they wanted me when it was convenient. When they could get money or status from having a child. When they could get welfare benefits. When it made them look good.

Having said this. My need for being wanted... My desire to be loved, stems from the day I was born. Never really feeling lvoed, never being wanted. It took me a long time to realize that I had any sort of love because of the fucked up way my family shows it to each other. When I say this, I'm talking about my gram, and my aunt, the only two people in this world, that showed me love from a young age.

Unfortunately.. I can't continue this right now. I have to log on at work, and I need a few minutes, to cheer up.

My realizations, are changing me. It makes me happy to change for the good.