Contemplating...

My good friend M. just mentioned to me, about my posts. One day, I'm in heaven, one day I feel as if I'm in hell. I am really tired of the mood swings. I begin to wonder, how did I get in this place, how do I get better, how do I move on.

For the most part lately, I've been alot happier. I'm just so confused still on who I am, and where I'm going in my life. I'm scared, I'm frustrated, I'm sad.

I keep thinking about all the things EPB said to me last nite, when he was screaming at me. I know I hurt him. I did love him, I still do, just I'm not happy. I feel trapped, I feel sad, and I don't like being in the relationship with him. He thinks its because of something he did, or because he's not white, but that isn't it. He needs to grow up, get a job... get a life.

"get a haircut, and a real job"
That song came to mind....

I need a strong man, a man that can take care of me. A man that is stable, that can take control when needed to. I feel like I've found that in T. Though, its not been long, I feel so safe, so secure, so loved. I think he's crazy for wanting to put up with me. Crazy for saying he wants me to be his wife. I find him so amazing. He told me he loved me first. I felt like he ment it. He told me what he wanted first, to find someone to love him, to settled down, and eventually have kids... To have a family. I almost cry everytime I play him saying that in my head. Thats all I've ever wanted, was a family.

Speaking of family, they called tonite. It was nice to hear from them. My mom acted like nothing happened in the hospital. I was too worn out to talk about it. I will bring it up next time I hear from them.

Right now, I feel happy, knowing i have someone I love in my life, that I know loves me, but also sad. I wonder if I will end up doing this same thing to T. Will my personality drive him away. Will I decided later I've found something better? At this point I can't imagine anything better. He makes me think about the good things, in my life. The happy little moments, he makes me feel so loved.

I go crazy already. I miss him so much. He's always so busy, and I wondered this before we started dating if he would have time. I just feel like I need too much. I mean, I wish he was here more often. I wish we were together every nite. I wish he was here to hold me every time I feel sad. I love him so much, I find it so crazy.