Crying

I'm down from my high for the week. I'm so sad and so upset right now. Partly for like a million reasons, but I don't understand T. at all. I feel like I know him, I feel that I truely love him, but part of me doesn't want to trust him. Part of me just wants to leave, forget everything. The thing is he didn't do anything, really. I wish he would of called me by now. I mean, he was online and everything. I think I feel so suspicious, cuz I feel like I don't know anything about him. Really I don't. I don't now much about his family, his friends, his life. I don't even know where he really lives. He's so loving when with me though, so sweet, and so attentive. I love it. It doesn't feel real though. I'm scared. I'm upset. I just want to go cut myself. I want to slice my wrists, only knowing, I'd fuck up my job if I did. So then I think about cutting other parts. It scares me. What am I capable of. What could I do.

I don't know what else to say, to write. I don't even know how to tell T. how I'm feeling. I don't know how to share with him. I'm afraid... afraid of my life. Last nite, T. and I sex, without protection, after we already had the talk about how we should use protection. I don't like condoms, and things just happened. At one point, I told him that we really should be using protection, and we just continued. I didn't think anything at the moment, but now.. I feel bad. Also today, I started to say EPB's name, when I was talking about him.. I said to Darian, Me and P... and stopped my statement. T., laughed. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so hard. How could I call him that? He reminds me nothing of him. Nothing.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm hurting so bad. I really thought he'd call me when he got home, and he hasn't. I felt before, he wouldn't have time for me.... and he doesn't. He just keeps reminding me of the future, and.... thats all fine and great.... what about what I need now? I'm not strong. I'm weak, I'm tired and scared. I'm hurting so bad, and just want to be held. I feel like I'm having an affair with a married man or something. I'm not sure where to go from here. Part of me thinks things could work, and be wonderful, but part of me... just wants to run. Am I just pushing away.. or do I have a right to feel this way. I wish I had the answers.