Monday, September 20, 2004

Great day.

I'm so relieved. My first day at The Hartford was wonderful. Beyond Belief. I'm waiting for someone to kick me, and tell me its a big joke. Half my problems are solved. I have money coming in, I have health insurance, and lots more benefits. Made some new friends.

My reason for posting though, is cuz I wanted to post a letter I wrote to my new bf, the love of my life, and hopefully my future husband.




HI Sweetie,
Hope your day was at least as good as mine if not better. I was still a little upset last nite, when we hung up, but I did some self talk and felt like 97% better. I realized, that right now, ( I know.. you've told me) I have alot going for me. I really do. Alot of potential. Just I"m a perfectionist and when things aren't perfect, I go to pieces. I realized how awesome it is that I got this job, somethign I've been looking for since I came here (and even before- Since about January) in July. I realized what a wonderful supportive caring boyfriend I have, and I wish I would of been able to tell you last nite, that I'm not mad at you anymore. I wasn't really that mad at you, its just when I got upset, all the thoughts came to my head. I do understand that you fell asleep, and that isn't what I was upset about, it was about the promise. I know you know that. I do want you to know, I don't want to break up with you, part of it was my being so upset (about sooo many things) and the other part was not wanting to be hurt again, and part of too was also the pushing away, I'm sure.

I missed you so much this weekend. I'm really anxious to see you again. I hope its soon. I want to be in your arms. It makes me feel good that you want the same. One thing about me.. and I'm not sure I've said this before...( and supposedly its part of borderline personality disorder-- I can shut up about that too , if you want... I just wonder what you think of it... cuz you haven't said anythign) For me, when you are here, and when I talk to you, and get your emails I know you love me, but when you aren't here, with me in some way, I forget, I seriously do. I feel like once you've gone, you won't be coming back. Abandonment issues I guess. Its just hard. I guess the one really good thing about all the problems I've had in this last year or so.. is that I've learned alot about myself and my faults, and what I will tolerate and what I wont. I've learned alot more, but that is just the beginning.

More than anything I just want you to know I love you. I've never met a man like you, and I'm actually glad for that. I wouldn't want any other man but you. I dream of our future every day. I loved when you told me.. something about.. wanting to grow old with me,... seeing my hair turn gray. I almost cried. I good cry though. Every time we talk, you amaze me. You really do. I love that you think I'm so wonderful, even when I tell you the bad things about myself. I had a few guys I dated, don't remember which ones, but they never complimented me.. I never really took compliments well for a long time, partly cuz my self esteem was low at that point, but.. (not sure what I'm trying to say). I guess that I like that you compliment me, and even if I kind of shrug it off sometimes, it means alot to me. So don't ever stop. I'm a bit conceited, in reality. That is one thing that has bothered me this last 6 months or so, I guess the stereotype that all depressed people, have low self esteem. I know there are times in my life, when I did, but I don't feel now is that time. I truely love myself, and the things I've done, and the things I will do, just sometimes its hard for me to deal with the things I've messed up. When I get really depressed, all I feel is like, all I've done is mess up my daughters life, and it hurts alot. I mean, if my mom had her way, and I didn't have other influences, I could see myself being just like her, but worse. Not sure if anythign I'm saying is making sense. But I hope at least some of it does. The thing with me, is when I'm knowledgeable about a subject, or a job, or whatever it is, I have lots of confidence, but if I at all doubt, what I think is right, I lose any confidence I had to begin with. For instance, this whole health care thing, I don't understand it, and don't think its right. Where I"m from clinics take you in right away, same with in Wichita. Going to the psych dr.. does take longer, but.. I guess, really, for most of my life, I haven't had to deal with not having insurance. I was alway really poor, so we got medical card thru the government, or... when I lived with my gram, I was covered thru my dad's insurance. I never had to worry about if I had to go to the dr. Then when I moved to Wichita, I didn't have insurance, but I wasn't sick, so it was great... then when I started to get sick, I had insurance. Its a really big comfort. I've been called a hypocondriac (sp) but the thing is, I do get sick alot, no matter what I do. I'm going to try and stay healthy. I really have to work on eating better. I've hard ate anything this week. I'm going to start taking my vitamins again, and be more faithful. My asthma has been good the last few days. :) Hopefully things will settle once I get the routine down. Not really used to a normal routine lately. Another thing.. with that.. is I'll be going to bed earlier.. so if we could talk about.. like when we can talk on the phone.. like when your going to be home or whatever.. I'd appreciate that. I really miss you when I don't get a chance to hear your voice.

Wow.. I'm writing alot. I hope you don't mind. I've really had a good day today. Stayed in a positive mood, which is the number one thing for me. ( i know talking to you last nite helped alot, and well.. shopping) Because now, I know I'll look nice tomorrow, then I feel more confident. I mostly don't care what people think of how I look, I wear some strange things sometimes, but... when I'm going somewhere new, I guess.. I'm just looking to make a good first impression. Its more important than people think. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!! Was just thinking that, so had to say it.

I can't wait till we get so spend more time together. I look so forward to that. I do look forward to growing old together too, which is a funny thing, cuz I never really pictured myself living after 40. I always wanted to die young. I don't want to know, not at all. Part of what keeps me going in life, is showing others, I can do more than they ever thought I could. I want to be better than my family, especially my parents. I want to do something important with my life. I really truely want to live. Mostly for myself, but also for you, for Darian.. and well for the kids we will have together. Just imagine, a bunch of gorgeous little geniuses running around the house. I think showing your kids you love them no matter what, is one of the most important thing about being a parent. No matter what I've put my daughter thru, these last years, and I wish I could take away any pain I've caused her, I know she has never doubted that I love her. I tell her often, I show it.

I'm almost in tears, just thinking about all that my life contains. I think I've told you before but I feel you bring out the good in me. You help me realize and take comfort in the happy times in my life. For a long time, all I thought about the sadness.. and thats all I dwelled on. I love telling you my stories.. I love having someone to listen to me ramble. I do find it ironic though, that you bring out the happiness in me, because part of you seems so dark. One thing that surprised me... was that teddy bear in your back seat. This dark goth metal guy, has a I love you teddy bear, with a red heart in the back seat of his car. Cute, funny. I do want to hear your stories. I never want to stop learning about you.

I really need to stop watching tv. For more reasons than one. It keeps triggering me. Tonite... I was watching this show.. called.. My Best Friend's Husband and it was fine till the end.. when the one lady, that slept with the husband, goes the wife, and says .. she is her best friend, always has been and always will be. Then I thought of my best friend Jenn, and what happened in our relationship. What happened, because of her husband, because of my instability, and almost insanity at the time, and how he took advantage of me. I get so angry when I think of it. I get so angry for how he hurts her, and she wont admit it. How sad she is inside, and I can't do anything now.... She doesn't understand. I can't imagine a day in hell when I would choose a man over my best friend. Not sure I should be telling you this... but. .. the whole thing just sucks. I mean.. not saying you would or anything. but if you slept with my best friend.. I'd be mad at you both.. for a while.. and then I'd probably forgive her.. and still be mad at you. Friends, and lovers, they have two different commitments.. (not sure I'm making sense). I don't know why I'm rambling about this. I trust you, when you say you'd never cheat on me, but its just hard for me to believe.. that.. what was it you said.. that .. none of the girls you meet compare to me. I bet you meet alot of attractive women. I'm envious every moment.. of every woman.. that gets to look at you when I'm not around. I love you, I love everything about you, including the tight pants my aunt hates.. (lol). I love looking into your eyes, I love the way you look at me, I love your smile, your touch, the way you hold me at nite. The way you hold me in general. You make me feel really special.

I think I will stop rambling now, and get my silly ass to bed. I have to be up at 7:30 to get Dare off to school, then beautify myself and get myself off to work. Wish me luck.. not that I need it.

If you get in late tonite.. could you just give me a ring. I could really use to hear your voice, and some I love you's to make my nite turn out right. (don't worry about waking me.. please!! Please just call) I soothes me to sleep, and makes me more sure, things will turn out right.

I do want to apoligize. I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time last nite. I don't know how you keep your sanity around me. I drive myself nuts sometimes. Also wanted to tell you thanks for sharing that myspace thing with me. It was great to read the things you wrote, and alot of stuff was just cute. Plus. I saw the band had a thingy too, and I got to listen to your music there. Definately Kewl. Though.. I do have to say... I'm jealous of your "prospects" there on myspace. Lots of cute girls that definately dig you. ( Oh that.. and well, your profile there, says your single, so .. you know, I don't want any chics hitting on you-- thats my job) I updated some stuff on my profile there, so check it out when you get a chance. Besides... I know.. they don't have a chance.. in hell... cuz you are all mine.

One more thing.. (I think). I asked you the other day, if you read my blog, cuz I do write alot of things there that are important to me. There is nothing in particular I'm wanting you to read, but.. I say things there sometimes, I don't always say outloud.. or to you .. but.. well.. just read it when you have time (yeah.. thats a good concept.. time). It I think, will just give you a deeper look into me. (either that, or make you run away screaming)

Well, I will finally end it here.. ( i know. enough.. enough).. but.. if you get chance.. just call me.. give me 5 minutes.. or ten.. or.. etc.. lol.. No..seriously.. would love to hear how your day was, how practice was.. how the boys are.. and anything else interesting that mite of happened. No chicks called you at like 5 am yesterday did they??? But anyway... I love you so much, and can't wait to hear from you. And please email me back... otherwise.. I'd be very dissappointed, I feel like I've told you alot in this email. The whole abandonment thing.. if I don't get a response.. I feel like you don't care.. or just stuff like that.

I'm really glad you are in my life. I love you & miss you!!

Love, Hugs & Kisses,
Juli Ann

1 comment:

Lisa Marie said...

Hey, Jul! Just saw your comment on my blog and then I wanted to come here and read your letter to Tony anyways, so I thought I would kindly leave a comment for you! =o) That was a great letter, very heartfelt and truthful. The kind of writing you do is sort of like the kind of writing I do, when I am poring my heart out to somebody. I usually don't write those kinds of letters very often now but when I first met Ben, I used to write him really long letters at work all of the time. He prolly thought I was crazy! and still does! LOL
Anyways, it was a great letter! I hope you got a great response from him because you sure deserve it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I love reading your blog. I always check on it like once a day or every other to see how you are and how you are doing! Especially now cause you are so far away! =o) But keep on writing, I love reading. I always learn so much more about you through reading this sometimes, even after all this time, there is more you can learn about a person! Well, now I am rambling, must be because I am getting tired. Well, take care, good luck with the job, and keep in touch! Love you!