Saturday, September 18, 2004

What is wrong with me?

I sit here... can't sleep. I know why.. two reasons.... Well, cuz of what EPB did tonite, and cuz... well T. hasn't called. Talked to him before midnite and he said he wanted to go eat, get some stuff done and he'd call me.. so we could talk. Wondering where he's at. I get a bad feeling, I know what I wrote earlier, I try to dismiss my bad feelings, cuz I know how paranoid I am. I truely do. I wonder if I should trust him. Well, I'm writing, cuz if I don't write, I'll cry. I tried to call his house a few minutes ago, though I shouldn't have because of the hour, and someone else answered, after I started to leave a message. I asked if he was there and they said "Its five thirty in the morninng, NO" . I appoligized and hung up. I just wonder where is he at, because he barely tells me about his days, and I'm upset, cuz he promised he would call back tonite.

Well, the thing with EPB. Luckily, I fell asleep and didn't hear the phone ring, cuz he called, and threatened suicide. Well.. actually, he did take some pills. I go the message at around 3am, the lst time I woke up. Like I said, I can't sleep. I called immediately, and his mom answered. She said she knew what happened, and he was fine, but sleeping. That was all that was really said. I'm not really sure what to think about the whole thing.

I'm beginning to wonder if this whole thing with T. is right. I know I'm fickle, its just I have my doubts about me being in relationships. I feel better, more stable when I'm out of one. I get too emotionally dependant. I get too needy. I need too much reassurance. I told T. last nite, about my thoughts of pushing him away. He promised me... that he wouldn't let me. Part of me hopes that is true. I'm really upset with him right now. I wish I didn't expect so much. I wish I could just cope with life. I really don't understand why I am the way I am. I don't understand why its so stressful on me. I feel like I'm going crazy.. cuz I can't handle my emotions.

Tommorrow.. I just want to sit home in bed, curled with my blanket.. and watch tv and sleep all day. I hate not being able to sleep, cuz I'm upset. It's been happening so often. All I do is cry anymore. I hope this new job, helps me. I really need something positive in my life. I'm so scared I'm going to mess up, or I'm going to go off the edge again. This job, will help keep me in line though. At least I hope it will.

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