Got some comments on my blog today, encouraging and wonderful. But if I could get help, if I knew how.. I would. I have no insurance, mostly because someone in this fucking beaucracy, fucked up, and I have to pay for it. I got.. well.. of course government health insurance.. (and I work, and pay taxes), but I don't make much... I moved, reapplied (which I shouldn't of had to do in the first place) and was denied... I MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY!?!?!? WTF!! The letter said... Your semi annual income is 2,900 something. ... and the cut of... is 2,600 something. TEll me how.??? in this world.. can anyone afford health insurance.. on.. less than 6000 dollars a year. The government gives you food stamps, because you can't afford food, but.. you are supposed to be able to get your medications. My medications are over 1,200 dollars a month. I can't pay for any of them. I'm running out of my meds.. and so I'm getting sicker and sicker. Thats both mentally... and physically. My asthma is bad. At work is especially acts up. But thats life.
I have been feeling much more positive. Mostly, cuz I have hope, more hope than I've had in a long time. T. is a very positive influence.. and I believe it has a lot to do with him. Someone wrote on my blog, that love is a choice... not an emotion. (at least I think that is what it said) But.. I believe love is a emotion. I don't have the power, to not love anyone. I do love most everyone I meet. I care about them.... I do want to comment more, because.. this thing.. with EPB, and T.. well.. I wasn't playing them, and I hope the way.. I wrote it didn't seem that way. T. and I were friends, I made it clear to him for a long time, I loved Peter, and we would only be friends. I've been wanting to.. and did.. before I went into the hospital, break up with Peter, but.. being in crisis. he was there for me.. and I undoubtedly.. went back to him. Until, after I realized.. no matter how I was feeling, depressed or not, I didn't want to be with him. I've felt we weren't quite right.. for each other, since the day we met. I've been telling him that for months. He just wouldn't listen. I was broke up with him when I met T., and I wasn't expecting to hit it off so well with him either. BUt I did. It feels right, it feels good. I've not.. felt so positive.. .. about .. things. in so long. Sure.. I'm sure some of it now.. is infatuation..but.. he's been a good friend to me.. for the last few months, listening to my problems.. talking with me.. giving me little pep talks... He was the one there for me the most... , even though it was only on the internet and the phone, he was there more for me .. than my family, my friends.. and even .. EPB.. The things is.. with EPB... I felt trapped... trapped.. and dead. I felt like.. my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. I just wanted him to let go. I think he has. I hope he has. I do still love him.. and always.. will. It just isn't want I need or want in my life.
I want to write more, and perhaps I will later.. but I'm going to play a game with my daughter.
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