150th POST ( I think)

Anyway.. lots to write about today. Just wondering where to start. Day was ok, for the most part my spirits are up. No suicidal feelings. Always a plus. Got some laundry done... and well.. thats about it. Oh.. cooked some chicken too.

Pissed at F. though, thats my aunts fiance. He lives here. I found out.. today .. he let my daughter go across the street to the neighbors house, and she wasn't being watched. I'm wondering if I should just find some sort of daycare, or daycare program to take her after school, so I can limit the time she's doing stuff.. and I dont know what it is.

I realized some things, about why I get so upset about things with T. First I'm like the nosiest person in world... so when I don't know something, and you don't offer up the info, I feel like someone is hiding something from me. I'm that way with anyone, but expecially.. someone close. He's told me.. he thinks I understand him.. but I don't feel that I do. I understand parts of him... but not the whole him. My biggest problem is I don't feel like I'm really part of his life. I don't like feeling like a part time girlfriend. He does make time for me..... I know he does, but I always need more. I'll always want more. (or feel like I will). I've dumped alot of boyfriends, because they couldn't or wouldn't make time for me. I don't have any intentions of dumping T., he's the best thing in my life, but I wonder... how long will this go on. I'm so impatient, and we just started dating... I hate only seeing him once a week. Less than 24 hours in a week, doesn't make up for the other 144 I sit here missing him. I wish it did. I wish I could be happy with what I get, but I'm not. But I realized that is the only reason, I want a better life for my daughter, because I'm not happy, and I want more, so I work hard, and try my best, so I can do better than my parents, and grandparents.. and etc.

I feel like I have no choice about things in our relationship. Like when we talk on the phone, or when we see each other... or anything... I'm not used to that. I'm used to being the one in charge... the one .. that makes all the decisions, so this is going to be something I have to get used to. Last nite, we were talking.. and he said he was going.. and I got pissy.. and he just continued to say goodbye.. and I was like " Its not like I have a choice" and he said I did.... and.. talked a min.. and then.. said goodbye again... and I asked him " please don't leave" and he said.. "see .. was that hard" I feel like... when I ask him to stay... I'm asking him to do something, that he doesn't want to do. I feel like.. well.. the way I act.. is like.. I try to make him feel guilty for leaving. I don't intentionally do it.. but.. I still feel it from the after effects. I don't want to mess up this relationship.. but I just have so many worries. I'm soo scared, so upset, over the fact that I become so needy. T. says he is needy, but I feel its different than the way I am. Somehow I let it control me... and I need to get a grip on it.

I'm getting tired though.. want to write more, but need to get Dare to bed.