What do I need?

This probably is what I need. Talking here, to myself, and working things through, on my own. I need to quit being so dependent on wanting/having to have someone to talk things out with. Someone to cheer me up. I need to work on cheering myself up.

I just don't know how to do it. I talk here, and get some things out, but it doesn't really mean anything to me, if noone wants to listen, or if noone understands. More than anything... I just wish I was being held right now. Part of me wishes he was here right now, holding me.. running his fingers thru my hair, kissing me... running his fingers over my skin, the other part of me... wishes, I wouldn't of started this in the first place. I don't think any of the reasons I'm mad are good enough to break up. But other than that I do love him, he's a great guy, I don't know if I see a future. I know part of this is.. the fact that I don't like to dream, because I am the only one that gets hurt. Believe me, I do dream about what we could have, every day, but it doesn't feel realistic at all. I hate believeing, hoping for something that will never happen.

I dream of lots of things about T. and I. I dream of the next nite we will spend together. I dream of romance ( though we really don't seem to have that right now). I dream of our wedding day, what it would be like to spend our days and nites together. I dream of our wedding day. I dream of our children. I'm just not good with handling fantasies. I have goals, and I want to reach them. Being in a relationship isn't a goal. Its just stressful to me. I become sooo dependant, and obsessive.... I hate it.

So many things I want to change and improve in my life, and in myself. I don't know where to start. I can't cope with anything. All I've done all week is cry. I don't ever remember crying this much. I've thought of suicide two or three times this week. The thoughts come, and I can't handle them. Luckily, I don't have a means. And I'm too depressed to try and find one. I worry, what will push me over the edge next. Who will hurt me next? Who will abandoned me? Who will lie or cheat? Who will break promises. I know I'm not perfect, I'm so far from it. I don't understand how people see all this good in me, and all my family sees is this negative girl, who hates life.

I feel like I try so hard not to be negative, but no matter what, something sets me off, and I flip out, and cry , or break something.. or just fall apart. For so many years, I was depressed, but I kept it together, I was strong... I think. Part of me just feels like my life was a lie, cuz noone really knew how I felt. Now, Its hard for me to stay composed. I cry all the time, almost anywhere. I've forgotten how to be strong. I've forgotten how to do everything. For over a year and a half, I've been a huge mess. The mood swings are worse, I can't deal with any relationship with a man. I don't know what to do.