Saturday, September 04, 2004

More Journaling....

August 31st, 2004

I sit here again, more relaxed, but also stressed inside, watching Maury, and interesting episode, cheaters. I then wonder, is me, sharing being so open with T., is that a betrayal to EPB?? Talk with T. makes me feel so good, I wonder often what a relationship would be like. Is jumping from one relationship to another fair either? Is it fair to break EPB's heart? I can't say, though that I would be breaking up with EPB for T. I'd be breaking up with him for a chance to move on with my life, a chance to be happy. I wonder if T. has become attached to me and I wonder if I'll hurt him too. I had a wonderful talk with T., last nite, I think we talked close to 4 hours and I feel I really opened up to him alot. I shared with him the letter, and how I was confused by the fact that he said he loved me. And I questioned his meaning of it. I guess cuz I've been told I'm loved before and it was not sincere. I need to feel loved as well as be told. I need to really feel it.

I do love Peter, but being with him doesn't make me happy anymore. I wish I could write him a letter and it would help him understand, but I feel like he never will. I need him to let go now, not because I want to die, but because I need something different than he does. I"m at ends wondering if Peter realizes what is coming. We've hardly spoken since my release from the hospital. WE have nothing much to say, and he hasn't come to see me. He hasn't offered, he hasn't asked. We haven't even talked about it. I don't feel sad about it, just indifferent. I wish that I could say something so he wouldn't be hurt. I wish I could change things. But I can't wait around for him to grow up, to mature, and decide he wants a family. I want the chance to find someone, whom can be my best friend, my lover, and some day my husband. I want a family.

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