For the first time..... in weeks.... and then....

Continued Tonite.... SERIOUSLY.....

And the continuation of the series....

T. calls me last nite. I miss the call as I've just went to bed, and am happily masterbating.. well not happily, but that's another story..... so.. I was moaning his name, prolly when I miss his call because i have my phone on vibrate..

SO i see this morning... I shrug it off, and answer my voicemail... and the sound of his voice hits me.. like a jackhammer in the cement... as much as I want to deny my feelings, the ones I've been blocking for over a week... the ones I thought I was feeling better about.... they all hit me..

I hear his voice tonite, he answered the phone, which freaked me out, and then.. was really short with me, he was really disturbed by the death of the Pantera band member.. which ... I can understand.. but.. I didn't really know what to say.

I want to say more, but I can't, I don't hve the words, except that I love him, and I have to find a way.. to not love him.... its killing me. I just want to die today.. not just because of his lack of love for me, but because of what I've become... Noone has said it better than Nirvana... " I hate myself and want to die"

I hate parts of me so much, that nothing good I do.. will ever makeup for it. I'm dead inside, and nothing helps that. I just want to get things arranged, so that my daughter has a good life, after my death.


GOD, I've only spoke to two assholes in one nite.. I'm so sick of men.

Remind me.. on my list... of things to do, .. as part of my Last Will and Testament, I want a death notice, sent to Russel, as maybe then, he will remember that I was fucking serious when I said, I wanted to die. And since I haven't seen him in years... (by the time I die, maybe he will believe it had nothing to do with him being an asshole)

Why do I let shit get to me? Why do I keep giving people my heart only to get shit on. Lying doesn't get me anywhere.. (though I wouldnt' really know), but honesty sure the fuck doesn't. I tell everyone.. everything I can possibly.. tell them.. to get them to leave me alone, and not be my friend.. or want to date me .. and they never FUCKING listen. NEVER...

Then, I'm the one that gets hurt.

I remember.. when T. and talked about meeting, and dating.. that he told me.. something about.. him getting attached easily.. and that something about me.. hurting him. or somethign, shit, so many tears are streaming down my face, and i'm hurting so bad, I can't think straight... well he said something.. about.. if he got hurt, he may be the one taking all the pills or something.. something referring to him committing suicide. It pained me.. cuz when I wanted to meet him, I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, just it felt so right at the time, he made me feel so good. I was so scared that I would hurt him, and.. now, I'm sure he hardly thinks of me... I hurt so bad because of it, I never remember in my life, a man hurting me like this.. ever..... and I don't know how how to deal with it.. especially when i hear the stuff from him.. like i've mentioned before... "simple, don't get over me", or "don't give up on us, until we can get a chance to do it right"... u know FUCK HIM, he had a chance, and he threw me away, like yesterdays trash, and everytime... he says he wants to see me... and then doesn't come, it go thru those same motions again.. everytime he calls, and then dissappears for quite a while, I go thru it again.... I just want to die, so I don't have to feel pain any longer....

Its not just that though... ( i know part of this fucking nutso episode I'm having now... is not rationally.. and is because I'm having my period), but I've not dove down this low for quite a while, so it's fucking hitting me hard..

I'm sure some of this has to do with the change at work, and my lack of seeing my friends, and the fact that I had company.. a few weeks ago, and now I'm more alone that ever. Part of it results in the jealousy i have for others happiness... and my lack of haveing any real passions in my life.

Its more depressing... i like everythign.. but . i love nothing.... except a man.. that doesn't love me back...
(and of course my daughter..)
the only thing i'm passionate about.. is.. education.. and that doesn't get me anywhere.... i'm not a fan of anything..

maybe thats a lie, I'm passionate about driving, but would never do anythign about it.. I'm passionate about learning, and I learn something every day.. sometimes trivial things.. sometimes.. not..
Today.. I learned.. that I'm a loser.. baby..
So why don't you kill me??