Cutting.....

Well I donated blood yesterday. That went well, I got a bit sick near the end, but I survived, and have no pain or bruising from it. Which is great. I am tired as hell though, but not cuz of donating, just cuz I go to bed at like 3 or later, and get up at 7 or 8 in the AM.

On my way home... last nite. had some aweful calls again. I felt really like cutting, more than I have in a long time, prolly 6 months. I started calling everyone on my phone list.. of people to talk to when I'm upset/ feeling this way. Noone was around. I had to stop at Wal-mart to get Darian Tylenol, and was afraid of what I mite do.

Then, D., called back. We've never actually talked on the phone before, but he was really sweet and really sensitive... and wasn't scared off by the things I ended up telling him. That's a red flag right there.. so either.. he's like T., and he'll totally drive me mad, or he's like EPB, and will be too needy. Thing is.. when a guy meets me.. and I share something like that with him .. about my borderline personality and/or self injuring... they should fucking run like hell...

Dr. went well yesterday. She told me... that I shouldn't be worrying about the HPV, because I had a surgery of shorts, to remove it, since all my paps have been fine since, I'm clean. That really fucks me over ,but at the same.. time... Everything thing I've read on the subject is inconclusive.

So,pretty much.. my life sucks, and I really wanted to jump off a bridge last nite. I wouldn't of done that, but I would of prolly cut if I hadn't of talked to D. I do need to reevaluate, and get myself in check though. I can't have this rediculous shit takeing over my life again, just because I'm lonely and heartbroken. I've spent most my life being lonely. I mean.. what the fuck is new? Really... I'll prolly spend the rest of my life alone, so it doesn't really matter. I can't really function when I'm in a relationship, because I'm too needy, too demanding.. and too jealous. So I'd prefer to be by myself in certain ways.... Though.. all I really want is to know I'm loved.