I miss my old friends. I miss my "original" chat buddies...
I miss Michel... I miss Truth....
I realized, I miss high school, and I miss my best friend Jenn...
I miss Lisa, though I try to talk to her almost daily (though I didn't talk to her at all last week).... I miss Punky.... (alot-- I cry often, about that loss)
Punky was the first man that I ever fell in love with that I trusted, he was my best friend... my very best friend. He was always there for me, never asked for anything in return, and always loved my ego boosts. I knew he loved me, I never questioned that... and never will, because.. his actions always spoke louder than words.
I think that is one of my major problems... with relationships. All I hear is words, and no follow thru. I expect.. (and i know i expect too much 99.999% of the time) that if the man loves me... A. he'd find time for me. B. he'd share his life/joys & sorrows with me.... (everything) C. He'd love me unconditionally..
I know not everyone is like me, and I should quit being a hardass, but I don't feel like I should have to settle in life. I know the things I want... and I won't have it any other way. Maybe this means I'll be single my whole life, but I guess thats tough shit... ya know?
I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to share my life with someone. Just a few months ago, I thought I found that someone... part of me still feels like he could be... but unfortunately, I think that he doesn't feel the same way. Thing is he's so fucking amazing.. and even though it hurts so much, I know that meeting him, has helped my life tremendously.....
Since I met him, I feel less alone, and have started to learn to love myself again... I gained enough confidence after my suicide attempt, to score a job in less than a month..... even feeling so depressed, he encouraged me, and I start to feel good inside again. I felt loved... I felt needed, I felt wanted..... I not only made it thru all the testing for the job.. I got thru the interview.... and thru training. .and as of the 20th of November, I'm thru my "probation" period. I think I'll finally feel settled when I get a name sign, even though I have a new home at work. A new supervisor..who.. (is new at supervising himself), but he seems cool, and I got to chit-chat with him today... We have our first team meeting tommorrow... I'm feeling more confident, for the most part about my job.. ( I had a few weeks, where i'd cry all day.. and stuff... ) Third shift.. is nice... (its 2:25-11:05pm-with my company) but I'm missing all the people I usually chat with online....
Feeling lonely tonite... missing T... alot.. mostly cuz I was really hoping to see him this weekend, but he said.. he couldn't come. I didn't quite understand his reason why... but I'm sure he'll tell me... when I get a chance to talk to him. I was really hoping he'd come.. I am very amazed.. that he told me last nite.. that he couldn't come, I usually don't find out till Friday.. and then that upsets me.. cuz i hate anything last minute. I want to find a sitter, so I can get out..... not sure with who or what.... but... I also want to go see Punky.
I'm trying to figure out.. what day i want to take my vacation day.. (or call in sick day)...
I was hoping to spend time with T. over the holidays, but his idea of holidays and mine seem to be different.. (though he said he was free on New Years.. )... He seems to like spending time alone... when.. I'd rather be with the one that I loved... (him)...
but thats just me....
Friday, December 03, 2004
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