Not sure

What to post.
Everything pisses me off lately.
Why.. when a girl just has sex because she wants to, she's a slut, but a guy does it, and he's a stud?

Its not like I have sex w/ anyone or even everyone, cuz believe me... if all i wanted was sex I'd have it every nite. I want so much more. I need so much more, unfortunately... I can't handle relationships, and I alway seem to sabatage them. I pretty much give up on this. I think I'll buy myself a new dildo for New Years, and just learn how to love masturbating more. (duh I love it already), that or I'll just find myself a girlfriend. Which I'm sure women eat pussy better anyway... blah.. I'm only kidding though... I really love cock.. too much actually... as I'm really needing sex, and haven't had phone sex in almost a week. I think. And.. well.. haven't w/ T.. for a while.. and would love to. Only I don't have hope for that anymore... its really hopeless. It's obvious in my world, that he doesn't care about me like I do him, and he's not looking for the same things, and I just need to face up to that.

I sent him out a xmas card today, him and a few of my other friends.. and I know its late. I almost didn't... cuz I feel like it is a waste of my time, and energy... but I guess more than anything I just want him to know I love him, though I don't see that it helps.

We are different. I am different. I want to spend the holidays.. in the one that I loves arms.. and I'm very depressed about this. Every holiday I end up alone, every New Years, every Valentines Day.. every Birthday.. year after year... and I really can't handle in anymore.... Do they do Male order grooms? haha..

Why does life have to be so complicated. Why does my heart have to hurt so much.. why can't I just get over him.. he tells me I need to find someone better.. but i question that every time he says that.. Is it more about me? or him? does he say that because he just doesn't want me, or because he thinks he'll hurt me, or cuz he just doesn't beleive in himself?

I Dunno, I can't dwell on it tonite. I need to go get ready for bed.. masturbate and go to sleep. I have a long drive tommorrow... I will enjoy my trip, but be more lonely cuz I have noone to talk to on the phone and I won't be online... and honestly.. I'd rather be doing something else.. but .. I don't have any other someplace else, that anyone wants me to be at.