Depression

Sets in.
Holidays suck. Christmas sucks. New Years sucks.. even more now. Valentines Day sucks, my birthday sucks. Every day of the year sucks. I'm sure next year will be about the same.. or maybe worse.

I realize each time I see my family , why I dispise their character... they are horrible people really. I don't know how they rationalize their fucked up attitudes. I don't rationalize mine. I know they are fucked up, and i readily admit when I know they are. Another of my character flaws.

I had so much I wanted to write here.. but I'm so utterly depressed, I'd like to go blow my brains out.

I'm lucky a cop didn't pull me over for speeding today, cuz I'd be dead. I figured, if I got pulled over going 90/100 in a 65 or 55, I'd be screwed, so.. I figured I'd try to outrun them.. and just run myself into some random tree, and hopefully I'd be so dead of fucked up it wouldn't matter. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down. Thats something that won't ever change, until I hurt someone.. (then I'd blow my brains out).. or.. until I kill myself.

Either way.. at this day, at this point in time.. I'd wish nothing more than.. to either be held and loved.... or dead. Since I can't be held.. I wish to be dead.

I'd like to get go get drunk.. but.. the idea of what I'd do after I drank, would be unbelieveable... and I'm truely trying to stay alive, but really don't have a reason. I get so fucking ticked off by people saying.. "do it for Darian".. "FUCK YOU BUDDY... do you have kids?? NO.. do you fucking even really care?? NO!! then go the fuck away, and if I die.. I die... its not ur fucking business"

I hate people. I hate most people actually. I hate they way they are so pessimistic, so anal, so uncooperative, so gabby, and so fickle. YES>. today.. I hate myself too. As well as everyone else. I've been avoiding the phone. I'm glad none of my so called friends have really called. Cuz I'd hate to have to ignore the ring.. yeah right....

I have to get thru these three days.. and make myself go back up there.. or something bad mite happen. I'm so scared.