SO much..

Have so much I want to talk about/write about, but I need to be up in a few hours..

Life, love, EPB, T., and the other men in my life... blah.. I want to find a gf, I'm a bit sick of men.

It really is fucked up though, to each his own, and what goes around, comes around. EPB, emailed me.. telling me he emailed T., I'd like to know what the fuck he said. Its so fucked up. I break EPB's heart.. and T. breaks mine in return. I totally don't understand it.... or his mood swings, or maybe its just he's angry at me. I really don't know cuz he doesn't share those thoughts and/or feelings with me. Which makes me sad. I shared my all with him, and I only wanted the same in return, only I learned that too late.

I think I masterbated like 20 or 30 times over the weekend, maybe more. I wasn't counting, I was too busy moaning. Its kind of sick.. ya know.. I call men.. to use them for phone sex, so I can get off, since T. doesn't call me anymore. I miss that. I love how on key, and intuitive he is with me when we have phone sex. I miss that. Nobody could ever do me.. like he did me... ;) both over the phone and in person. I get horny.. just thinking about his voice, I love it. Its what I fell in love with first, that and his intellect... and the way he writes... its beautiful. I just have to realize that that part of my life is over now, it was short and sweet, and now I have to move on... its so hard. I so wish that I could do more, but I don't know anything I could say or do.. I left it in his hands.. his decision, as to what/when/if we had a chance together. He couldn't give me a straight answer, and to me, he mite as well said no. He says I have a choice in this, but I made my choice, and I can't make his choice for him. He makes it, everytime he talks to me, or calls or doesn't call. And sure, I could not answer the call, or not call back, or not email, or not communicate at all, but thats not what I want. Thats not what I need. I need him, and want him, and desire him, despite the stupid shit we've been doing lately... little immature spats back and forth. And I really don't know why he did what he did when we were talking online the other day..

He says to me.. I've been thinking about sending u a bouquet.. for xmas.. (and i'm thinking... what the fuck is that about??!?!? he's not interested in me) and then continues.. or a knife w/ a nasty note." I just sit there.. and think to myself. .. I wouldn't that if I were him, I'd prolly go balistic, and then be in jail for murder. That would take balls. He then.. proceeds to tell me in a few minutes, what I've been waiting to hear since he dumped me.. "I HATE YOU, go away leave me alone", I'm fine with that, if I believe it was true...

but then he comes back to respond.. after i say something mean myself, that i truely didn't mean... cuz i'd never want anything bad to happen to him, or any of his band members(despite the fact that they hate me and think i'm a wacked out psycho-- or so I'm under the assumption), he comes back and apoligizes.. and asks nice.. and.. like the T. that i know, and it eventually turns sexual, (of course)...

And if he came over.. would I fuck him? yeah.. if he invited me down.. would I go, yeah, and would i fuck him? yeah. Why? cuz.. having sex with ur ex is easier than finding someone new. And for me it feels safer.. though I wonder every day.. if he's found a new fuck.. or love for that fact. And because I still love him and i love the way I feel in his arms.. (oh.. and it helps that he likes to eat pussy)

but regardless.. its time for me to suck it up, cry, bitch complain, piss & moan, and get him out of my system... Its going to be a new year soon, and I have mountains to climb, things to accomplish, records to set, and hearts to break... cuz I'm not letting anyone have mine for a long time.