My life is like that movie, only the day is longer.... I wake up, and the same type of men appear in my life, I fall for the same shit, and I keep letting them in, only to be hurt... I say this referring to a guy I dated from Bangladesh, sees me online tonite, asks me to call, and stupid me. i do.. he goes on and on about how this girl, wants him to marry her... and he doesn't know what to do..he wants me to tell him... that I'll fly down to KS to be with him, and he won't marry her, cuz he loves me.. etc.... DUH, I've been over him... since like May of 2003, shortly after I tried to kill myself, but... part of me will always "what if", but I know in my heart, he could never tolerate the real me.. the bad me, the me that noone really wants... the me that come out when times are rough.... I see this same sort of pattern with T.... only I feel he has no fucking idea what he wants in his life, and so he pulls my strings, my heart strings, giving me false hope that we could ever be together.. false, ideas, false love.... love that even if were meant to be, it couldn't.. be. At this point I could never allow anymore more, than the friendship we shared.... I can't trust in someone that doesn't follow thru on anything that has to do with me. I can go on pineing over a man, that doesn't really want me... one that has more important dreams and ideas...
Maybe someday.. I'll find someone that can tolerate me, and maybe even love me.. but I know that will be a cold day in hell, as I can barely tolerate myself on those days when things are bad....
Just.. I know.. if I felt loved, things would get better, but until I can learn to change my perception into more of a reality... things will be the same...
I'm just so tired of that...
I'm tired of life..
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