Satur(FUCKING)day....

I had a good nite. I faced my fears (anxieties) and went to the club by myself, so see a band, I thought I mite enjoy (and I loved it-despite feeling a bit weird, being at the club by myself)....

So check them out.. ON MYSPACE.. The Underwater or on their home page... theunderwater.net.

It was kewl to get out, but even cooler.. to see the band that added me on myspace. Enjoyable. Though, I felt weird leaving early, but... I really didn't enjoy the band that came on after. The guys in the band are hot, I must admit.. (in The Underwater), though the band, after them.. I didn't really .. get in to their beat, they singer had a nice voice, and well I give kudos to anyone that can get up on stage.. and sing...like that..

I wish I could.

I've thought about it alot... why don't I do something about it? Why can't I sing??? cuz I don't have the practice.. I have an awesome talking voice.. and.. am always complimented on that.. (i get lots of practice talking)....

hahah...

So.. I'm still confused about T. Though... when the bad .. gets going.. just talk about sex, it makes everything better. I wish I knew what he felt or thought, about all the things I say to him... but .. I just get.. "I'm listening"... when I want so much more than that. I know, my stupidity makes me want him, but.. I can't get the thoughts of when we are together out of my head. I feel such comfort with him, I felt loved, and wanted and needed... and safe. When i was in his arms, I trusted him with my life, with my heart, my soul..... but when he's away.. its like.. a fucking nightmare for me. Its so hard to explain, I wish I could. I don't know how to just be his friend... because I don't want to. I want the chance.. I want the chance I gave him, that he didn't give me... I don't see why.. we know we both have problems, and we love each other.. (well i don't know if he really loves me, but.. until tonite, I really felt he did.... ) but i know I love him. I just don't understand, why we can't do things together... he tells me.. you need help, I need help, this just can't be healthy... but it can... if we both want it bad enough. I think, though its tough... that it would be a bit easier, knowing somoone loves you , and is on ur side.. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to hve to find anyone else. I love this man, I love T... with all my heart.. and I want him to know that, I want the world to know it. I'll never stop loving him, I know that... and until I know for sure, that we can't be together, it will always be in the back of my mind. I just want a chance. I want my best friend back.

I'm so tired of the way we fight... we just keep nitpicking back and forth, saying spiteful things to one another. He tells me.. stuff about having to love myself, but.. I know how to love myself, just I've done things, that I don't know how to forgive myself for, but... I really truely.. don't think he loves himself. That he thinks he's not good enough.. for anything... but.. dread and misery..

Part of me knows in my heart, that.. things probably wouldn't work, we definately.. can't communicate well.. (unless its about sex), because I feel like he doesn't really listen to me.. or if he's listening, he has no input... but I feel like, even if it didn't work, having had that chance.. would be better than how things are now, cuz then we'd know...

I just get so mad.... about the fact that he told me he wanted to marry me... when I feel now, that he can hardly stand me.