Many Things

I had many things I wanted to blog last nite, but I stayed up most the nite talking to Lisa.. she was a bit manic, which her and I agree is a good thing, and not a bad thing like most dr's would say. Since I was enjoying her company, and we found this thing called Grouper, here's the link: http://grouper.com/... I didn't let her go till after 4am, then I talked to my friend, D.S. on the phone for another hour or so, until his phone was dying, after he tucked me in.

I came to many realizations yesterday, about why T., I feel means so much to me, and why the relationship ending was more of a disappointment to me than... most of my relationships.

T., from the start was sweet and caring, he always listened to me being upset, and consoled me. We did a lot of sexual flirting, but that never seemed to be what it was about. He always cared and wanted to hear about me. It was something I was needing alot of. I always bitched to him about EPB. HE told me he loved me first. I was takin in surprise by this fact, and it is something I will always remember. Since he was the only person besides EPB that I said good bye to, I think i left him a message on his machine and online saying goodbye, which he didn't quite get, even though he knew I felt suicidal on occassion.... I called him when I was in the hospital, something EPB, kindly gave me. I feel bad later about that, but I just contacted him as a friend, and I thought he'd be worried I was dead or something, which I didn't gather he was, he was kind of clueless... But.. before.. i let him (T- when i was at the hospital talking on the phone) go, I wasn't only supposed to be on the phone more than ten minutes.. he says.. "hey" as I'm saying goodbye... and i'm like yeah.. he's like.... " I love you", i'm stunned dumbfounded.... and what not... and I say.. "thank you", I didn't know what to say, EPB and I were on and off, and I KNEW I cared about this character, but never would of told him that, because of fear of him running away screaming. SO after that.. I write him a letter telling him why we shouldn't date, and that I do care about him, but things just are ideal for us right now... but that I hope he will stay my friend, because I really need him in my life....

AND what happens???

I don't listen to myself....

I lose it shortly after that, when Tony comes and visits me, I don't know what to expect, but I fell right into his arms... He came over.... we went to Dempsey's to eat... and before we leave.... the car.. ( i'm pretty sure its before we go into the restaurant...geez.. can't beleive I've forgotten this detail-- shit. was it before or after eating)... um... i can see him leaning over and kissing me though... I was surprised, but thrilled at the same time...

well got to go to the dr, I'm off work today for a variety of reasons, one is because I just can't handle my job today, luckily for now I have vacation, not sure what's happening next, but between the crying, the depression and the migraines...
I'm not sure how long I'll have a job.. or anything.. its so frustrating... especially cuz I feel so alone.. and am hurting so much.. just in general....
every day I miss T, more and more, and I wonder if he thinks of me... if at all. I worry so much, about so many things.... I just hope he's able to come to some realizations in his life, and someday can be happy.....