Well

I guess I've realized in all this crap going thru my head... that...
its not that I'm mad at T. for his behavior.. or lack there of... I'm mad because of something he told me... something to the effect... of after 9/11 things became different for him, and that there may not be a tommorrow, so you have to do things today... and love was one of those things.

I love him, he loves me... I don't understand why we can't try to work things out. He always acts like he doesn't have anything to offer. All I want is love, we can work on everything else together.

Well I got lots of therapy... today.. about two hours of it, between my therapist, and then at the ER.... Both were nice. Not completely helpful though, I need about 200 million of hours of therapy before i get things solved...

I know everyone says I should be happy with what I got, but I don't have the love and support I need. I felt like I got alot from T. He always listened to me cry. Now I have noone. Noone to hold me.. Noone to love me... Noone to make me smile when I'm sad. I feel like such a baby. As a matter of a fact.. one of my friends, told me.. "at least you get to see ur kid... you need to grow up." I agree.. to an extent, but that was harsh... Emotionally.. I am a child, emotionally, I've never had parents, I've always had to just .. deal with what happened, be strong and move on... no matter what... And now I see how much I fucked up, both with my sisters and brothers and with my own child. Her heart aches like mine does, and she's so young. Why on earth almost 7 years ago.. did I decide to ruin this child's life? I mean.. I can only do my best now, but my best isn't good enough. I need to do better. I have to. Otherwise she'll end up like me...

AND don't get me wrong, its not completely bad, but... I don't want her to feel the pain I feel on a daily basis...

ANd I want to apoligize.. I said the other day noone cares.. AND I have some friends that do, and were offended by that. I feel like noone cares. I seriously do. Noone calls me, noone tells me they love me, or just randomly emails me... noone seems to pay attention till I'm in a crisis. I know, people have lives, and I'm not the best friend in the world either, but I need to know before I'm feeling bad. Once I'm feeling bad, I just think the world takes pity on me. Like I just feel T. is sometimes.

I put that article up because it wrong about things... that I thought were interesting.. AND because of the chemicals in my body, thats why I feel better just by the sound of T.'s voice... on the phone..