Happy NEW YEAR!!

My ass.. for weeks I've been depressed...
so depressed and feeling a bit suicidal.. not now.. but overall.

IT really sucks. I look like shit. I feel like shit, and I'm alone.. and lonely..
and regretting my life. I know I can change it, but I really don't have the hope that anything I do will make a difference.

All I can think about is T., and Punky, my friend that is in prison. They are the two men, that broke my heart in my life. They supposedly both still love me, but couldn't and wouldn't give me what I needed. The biggest thing I think of is commitment, but it is so much more than that.

Its so hard for me to let go, knowing that I'm still loved. I need more than just love. Maybe one day I'll find it.. maybe one day I won't. Maybe one day, I'll just randomly die. Maybe one day, I'll give up again, and kill myself. Maybe one day, I'll find myself a husband. That I doubt. Only time will tell.

Last week, driving down the highway.. about 95 to 100 miles an hour.. I think about the flashing lights of a police man, and know if I see them, I won't be stopped. I thought about different object along the side of the road... that I could hit.. after I take off my seat belt. I wouldn't stop, cuz that would mean losing my license, and my then my job... and.. I'd rather die than lose my license... and I'd rather die than slow down.

That's my life I guess. I'm still alive, thru another year. I'll be 26 this year. I feel so alone, so old, so lost... so confused, so hurt. I feel like I have nothing to live for. Noone would miss me, my daughter doesn't care 90% of the time if I'm even around.