Life....

Talked to T. the other nite. Wish he wasn't so tired. But.. after royally pissing me off, he called, and cheered me up, right before falling asleep on me. We were on the phone like half an hour. (no phone sex- and he said that's why he didn't want to talk, cuz he was tired, and we'd end up having phone sex till 5 in the morning)... It didn't happen, though I wasn't behaving too well...

So it comes to the thought.... that I wonder if we really love each other. I know we care.. in our sick little ways... but... my friend asked.. how much we had actually seen each other.... I replied.. 3 times. That's it... I mean we talk tons... and tons.. but.. I base my wanting to spend my life with him. .. on the three times we were together. It felt so wonderful. He's so loving, so affectionate... so cuddly. I love being in his arms, sleeping naked with him, making love.... showering... everything we did, I loved... kisses at the front door... makeout session on the couch..

But it all comes down to how. .. much time we spent together. you figure, most nites he got here around 10 (the first nite.. he was late) and he left around 5 the next day, most days.... so each time he was here max of 19 hours, times 3 days.... thats 57 hours.. MAX (well, actually subtract 2 hour for the nite he was late..) so 55 hours, thats a bit over 2 days... , 2 days 7 hours.... some of which was sleeping...

SO my story.. is... that even though, I realize this... I still do love him, but what is it about for him? I mean really. Whenever he sounds kind of grumpy and lonely... I ask him if he wants me to come over.... and tuck him in.. he says.. yes... but sometimes he says.. "would you fuck me instead", I of course.. say yes...
I love the man, he turns me on, and him asking me that turns me on more... plus, I want him, I want to please him.

Thing is, he keeps saying he's broke, and it just sounds like a lame excuse. I've said...numerous times, that I'd come down. That I wasn't broke. Hell, I'd even cook for him.. if he came up.. and if affording gas money is the problem.. I'd help with that, I just think its lame. I make more money than him, it sounds wierd... but.. I kind of just want to see him, to see if things are the same as they were.....its been months since we seen each other. Thing is, I'd go down there if he asked, but he hasn't asked. But now, he'll be busy with the band, and I won't even get a call once a month now....

I know.. i sound bitter, but... I am. I don't understand if we love each other, why we can't be together. And its because he's in control. He'll say its not, but it is. I've made my choice, I want to be with him, and I don't actively sit here and wait, I go out, I try to have fun... but everything reminds me of T. Everything reminds me that I want him. When I hear his voice I melt. I fell in love with the voice first....

I just don't understand him, or that things have to be this way....

It makes me want to cry and cry. I'm so jealous that he's ok with things how they are. I'm so jealous of other couples, of people with families. And I sit here like always... alone... alone and sad. Being with people makes me happy. Being with T., makes me happier. It makes my daughter happy.... It gives me hope, it gives me dreams for the future. Not I sit here, trying to plan my year, and it all seems hopeless, because I don't want to be alone. I don't feel I should have to be. But I can't find anyone that can tolerate my mood swings, my bitchiness, my problems, my issues.... and I don't want anyone who can't, honestly. I want to get better, and I will, but I don't want anyone that can't take the bad with the good. Because It will... I will get better. I see everyday, things change for me, I conquer just a little bit.

Last week, I've started to conquer my anxieties.. I went to the prison... before that... I went out by myself. Something I never did, in the almost 26 years of my life. I won't let this mental health shit conquer me... I've had enough of it.

I want to also attribute my terrific mood to my new friend John, whose a mechanic, but seems pretty bright. ( I don't usually put the two together, but thats an aweful stereotype). He's really funny though. First man, that I could joke about sexual stuff with, the made me laugh my ass off, and didn't try to hit on me.. or ask me to take my clothes off. I hate that shit. I hate some men that are pigs... it fucks me off. He was pretty cool though, a bit of a smart ass like me.

Well, I gotta go see my hot dentist and get my teeth cleaned.. (opps.. did I say that outloud??? lol)