No.. its not my demise...
its just.. I should get to bed soon.
I enjoyed visiting Punky last Thursday. It was the most enjoyable day of my vacation. Holding hands with someone that I love. He's impossible, but I love him. He still finds things in prison humorous... like fucking with people. But.. he's still able to smile. I'm not sure how much he smiles when I'm not there... but he smiled when he looked at me.. and it made me think.. of "the good ole days.." We always had a blast...
But thats not my life now. I regret with everything.. that I have a child. Those thoughts in my head, make me sad and sick, because I rarely have regrets. I've never been in my life, without child, but in the last few years, I've experienced brief moments... and I want more of them, but it is highly impossible. That is my one big problem with T. I'm highly jealous of his lifestyle, of his ability to up and do whatever he wants, without have to worry about anyone, without having to report to anyone... I hate my life. I've been taking care of kids for the last 20 years.. Yes.. I made my choices, and the choices I made, have made me a more compassionate and caring person, but I'm not sure I want to be that anymore.
I received a threatening email from EPB today. Scares me a bit actually, but.... its weird. I guess his new gf or something ran across my blog.. (well duh, she must of been looking... its not hard to find once you are looking--just type in my screen name) And he threatened me and T, with bodily harm, and I guess death. Part of me is relieved, because in a way.. that means he is healing, he wants to hurt me instead of himself.. (well I guess.. I don't really know). He needs to just move on though...
Well.. while I'm talking about moving on, I need to move on myself. I need to get over T. and quit my obsessive dreaming.. If he really loved me like he leads me on to believe.. then he'd actually call. He would of thought of me on the holidays. He would of returned my calls. If he was the man I really thought he was, he would of been with me during the holidays. But.. I was wrong.. again... and I need to admitt that, let my heart heal, and move the fuck on. I'm in too much pain. I'm too depressed. All over a friendship, that led to a very brief, three weekend relationship.... All because of words he said to me, that I believed.. which I should of known by now.. would never be true. I can't tolerate myself sometimes, how could someone else. I need someone that really truely wants me, regardless of my fucked up faults... regardless of my lack of trusting, I want someone that will always stick by myside.. because they truely love me. I don't have hope anymore that I'll find that love. And I'm ok.. by myself, but I don't know that its best for Darian. It worries me, her growing up without a father.. but.. if its meant to be, it will happen one day...
I got pictures done with my sister today.... Check them out AT Yahoo
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