Things

Things aren't getting better..
They can't get much worse
Now instead of crying all the time,
I just have migraines, I feel sick,
I throw up,... and shake...

Nothing new I suppose. I feel my life rotating in a big circle. Two years ago, this same time of the year, I was going thru the same thing... Migraines... horribly.. I had a good job, and kept missing work because of the migraines and the depression..

I was lonely... and sick, and frustrated...
Just like I am now. I wished I was dead, just like I do now..
The only difference is.. TODAY.. I have a bit of hope..
Just a bit... *wonders how long that will last*

Least I'm supposedly doing the right thing..
IN therapy..
Taking meds... (which I am totally against..)
BUT doing it..
wish I could go get drunk, and cut myself.. and just be a drunk fuckup...

My desire to cut again, has become extremely high... I avoid the store... because of it... I know if I go to Walmart too many times.. I'll go to that isle, pick up some blades... and go home and use them.... Its been months and months since I cut.. and its been a few months since I bought blades.. Luckily that was around when I met Josh, and I shared with him... and he took them out of my sight.. I was saved...

I have noone to help save me now.. but ME. And I don't want to save myself..
I want to rot into hell, and get my life over with...

I feel like such a fuckup, almost 26, and not doing anything with my life. Everytime I do start something, that is worthwhile.. my body betrays me.. and gets sick...

I hate life. I hate living, I hate breathing....
I only wish for something better... for you.. for me..
for the world.

Was thinking of just up and giving up everythign I know.. to become an environmentalist, but.. germ freak/OCD... doesn't go well with that...

Damn, I have issues... hahah..