My aunt..

She's trying to cheer me up. I just read her T.'s letter and she was trying to explain it to me. I understand part of it. But I also understand, that I need more. I know, its probably not realistic. I need more, more than anyone could give me. I'm too needy, too insecure, and I guess I give up to easily. I'm sure.. part of me is just wanting to push him away.. it makes it easier for me. But all I feel is abandonment... I feel hurt.. I feel unloved.

I never get to see him. And we don't talk as much as I like. I know.. its unrealistic, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. I think the real reason i was so upset last nite.. was.... because T. said... something to the effect... that we will be together eventually. He usually says, that we will be together soon. That makes me feel good. Eventually makes me think never... not in this life time.

I've been wanting to details of his life, of his "five year plan" and I've yet to get them. I know.. the questions.. that I haven't asked him and I should. I have so many questions about his life.

My aunt said he's just needing his space.. and maybe he is. But I need more, and I don't know if I'll see it any other way. I need someone that can deal with me. I need someone to be a father to my child. I need someone that lives closer. From the day.. he told me... he wanted to be closer to me.. (living closer). I couldn't understand his thinking on that to how its possible. He has his band, and living closer to me, means being farther from the band. I just don't see how that would work. I just don't see us being happy.

I'm not just saying all this cuz I'm upset right now, some of these things I've been thinking for days, some for weeks.

Everything seems so hopeless right now, and all I want is someone to talk to about it.