What do I want?

Its not even about, T. taking me back at this point. Its about, understand his actions. I want to understand so bad. I want to understand why he hurt me (or actually I allowed myself to be hurt by his actions). I want to know why he feels like he does. Why he doesn't want to be with me. He says, its not me.. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. I don't. He's told me, I don't give him enough space, that basically expect too much. He's told me I'm too possessive. He's told me, that what I ask is not unreasonable, but.. he can't give it to me. I want to know why not? I feel as though I'm not important to him. I want to be part of his life. Even if I have to be "just" friends, I could be ok with it, if I understood.

Right now, everytime I talk to him, or hear from him.. or if I see him, I will continue to have those feelings. I told him I want to be with him, I don't want anyone else. He said that puts him between a rock and a hard place. I want to understand why. I want to understand his conflicts. I want to understand, why .. if I drive him nuts now, why he would ever in his right mind, think he would want to marry me. I want him to not want me. At least part of me does.

The other part... well wants him, wants to be with him, wants to share my life with him, though.. I know.. I do know, this part of me does, that I need to move on. I can't until I understand. I've never been hurt like this before. Never.

Yes, I've been hurt.. but usually I realize what an asshole the guy is, and I know he's not right for me. But with T. its different, I still think it could be a possibility, but because he doesn't want to try. Because he doesn't want to try, that makes me believe, that it would never work. I say this because, well there would be so many more challenges that we would face, and they would be harder than this. I mostly think, we are having problems communicating.....

I wish I could say something, or do something, to help him understand me, so that I know he does understand, and part of me wishes I could convince him, that we should be together..... part of me wishes that so bad. I do miss him as a friend though.

Everything I do reminds me of him, sleeping, showering, being online, walking down the street, going to the mall, Everything reminds me, of all the good times.. and I don't want them to end. I want them to continue. I want to be the one that makes him happy. I want to be the one, to hold him when he's upset. I want him to be the one I go to, the one that holds me.. and brushes away my tears. Its so hard for me... it hurts so bad.

It hurts even more, because I feel stupid about the whole thing. I let him in, only to get hurt more than I've ever been. I want to know how to get over him, its just, that noone, could compare to him, noone.