Have a minute.. I think

Just it hurts so bad, I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me, and still wants me, and still wants to marry me, but can't make that commitment now. So basically its over, and he gets what he wants. I can't live with knowing he's seeing other people, even if he eventually wanted to come back to me. I'm not going to wait for him to grow up and realize that now, he can give me what I want, when he couldn't commit to me in the first place. I kind of look down, about the whole situation, because I thought he was strong, I thought he had the strength to do this, and he doesn't. I'm so angry and hurt and frustrated. I do want to be friends, but right now it hurts so much, and I just want to understand and I don't. If you love someone you are supposed to do anything you can to be with the person. And I know that sometimes takes time. I'm willing to wait, I'm willing to be patient, but he's not. I don't want to just be his friend, and its killing me. I wish he'd just tell me he hated me, or something. I just wish I could understand the truth.

I never in my life had a guy say, this is what I think is best for you, and so that is why I'm breaking up with you. Whose to know what is best for me? I mean really. What gives him the power to say. It goes back to control again. He's in control, and thats how it is. I don't have that choice. I have other choices, but not that one. I just wish he'd think about it... It wasn't that he didn't make me happy at all. When we were together, I felt on cloud 13... (thats my cloud). When we talked, it helped me forget my pain. Its just those times that I felt I wasn't important, that killed me. I feel like he spent more time with his distractions than me.

I feel like this is all about commitment, he can't make one, and will make up any excuse to make up for it. He says he wants his friend back, but I don't know how soon I can give it to him. I've never been hurt like this before. Never. T. is so good to me. I want him and I don't want to lose him. Its killing me. I don't understand. I just want to understand. I just want to understand.